A time of violence, a lifetime of pain
The violence a child can suffer under may one day end, but the pain never seems to end. It stays trapped within, no place to go but out. A floating cloud that follows, playing us like an out of tune instrument. We have been beaten down and broken before we even knew what it is to have peace in our lives. There was never no time of pure bliss where we rode our bikes with friends while we forget everything in this world. While other kids have this, that forms an essential base for their upbringing, we have hatred put upon us, which sets us up for a lifetime of battles. While other kids enjoyed sunshine and rainbows, we were stuck in the mud with a storm of hateful fists raining down upon us. While our friends knew what it meant to feel bliss, we knew what it felt like to feel nothing inside.
Know what the most messed up part is? When you're a kid, and someone who is supposed to love, help, and guard you, chooses to instead literally choke the life out of you when you can't even fight back, you grow up thinking that is normal. You think every kid you know goes through something similar, so you don’t try to get help. Then what kills you the most, is when you see all these kids, who you assume are getting beat down just like you are, can still carry on with smiles and live life. Then there`s you, barely holding in tears, just so you can appear normal and not be looked at as a freak. So you simply start to shut yourself off from the outside world.
You continue to grow up, shut off from the world. The only thing you feel is pain, both physical and emotional. Then one day, you meet the devil. No one grows up without the temptation of drugs. For most kids who grew up with a solid foundation of being happiness and being taken care of, those of us who grew up getting beat down, figure “I have nothing to lose”, and begin to fall into a world of drugs and give into our demons. You go from the shut in kid, to that teenager whose hell bent on getting the next high.
Now here you are, living a lifestyle reminiscent of the “sex, drugs, and rock and roll” lifestyle of the 80s. There`s just one thing no one tells you about this. From the outside world looking in, it seems you`re a foolish teen having the time of your life. On the contrary, from the inside looking out, you never do wake up happy. You only wake up more scared than that little kid you grew up as. So what do you do? You go find that next high, a bottle of liquor, or even another girl. Just so you can temporarily forget about all that fear and at least pretend to be actually happy.
This lifestyle just leads to a certain point. Are you going to meet your maker? Are you going see the inside of a jail cell? Hell, maybe you will get lucky enough to wake up and see what you`re doing to yourself and get clean. The problem is, that’s the hardest option of all them. See, dying is the ultimate peace, a true relief. You only started using because you don’t want to feel, really anything anymore, right? So what`s the ultimate way to stop feeling? That’s right, death. The eternal rest.
Death does seem like the end game, whether you truly want it or not. Well, maybe instead you find yourself in handcuffs. What did you do? Did you get pulled over and baggy fell out? Did you tweak out and hurt someone? Who knows, but your ass just lost years of your life to the system. It doesn’t have to be all bad. Hopefully the strict schedule, 3 meals a day, a place to sleep, and maybe even some counseling can help you get clean. However, it`s not that easily. Just as easy as it is to do all of that, it can be just as easy to find a source of drugs in prison, maybe even harder drugs that what you used to do. Well, here`s to seeing you leave the prison system after your sentence, whether if its as a free man, a walking zombie, or in a body bag.
See, it’s not so easy getting clean when you don’t want to wake up and you`re surrounded by demons, hollering your name and sending you temptations. Yet, here you are, one of the lucky few who has waken up and decided to get clean. “This shit isn’t going to be easy”, you tell yourself, yet you are willing to try. The key to this new outlook on life, is finding something worth holding onto. Something worth loving, along with living for. More often than not, this is for a loved one. Whether it`s for a parent/parent like figure, you`re children, siblings, or even a significant other. You find that one person you want to live for. So you fight off your demons as you climb yourself out of rock bottom. For me, this was a fight to become a better person for my mom and my siblings. I wanted to become someone they can all be proud of.
Well, here comes the tricky part. Now you don’t have anything distracting you from the pain that has been lurking inside you all these years. So now you just become a bitter asshole. You don’t mean to do wrong, but being toxic is all you know. That`s what you bore witness as you grew up, toxicity.
One day, something else hits you. The magical four letters that spells out love. You find this one girl, who you truly think is special. Care to know a secret? You`re not in love with this person. See, you are so used to being alone in the world that you are just happy to have someone. You don’t care that they treat you like garbage, do some shady things behind your back, and slowly crawl into your mind and warp you into thinking this is all okay. What do you care though? You actually have someone that cares about you or so you think.
However, maybe one day you will wake up from this constant battle of self-pity and realize that you`re not trash, that you truly do have a tremendous amount of worth in this world. The main reason for this, is while this person whom you chose to share your life with is treating you like shit, their truly is someone special out there for you that you will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
They won`t judge your past mistakes, they won`t lash out at you for having a bad day, they will truly accept you for who you are. It may have taken me to long to realize who this person is for me, but damn it, I am beyond glad to have found her. She didn’t care that my eye sight was a “little” off, she didn’t treat me differently because I already have a failed marriage under my belt. As I slowly let her into my life more and more, showing her what made me who I am today, she never once passed judgement onto me.
There was no judgement for my past drug use, the alcohol abuse, the child abuse, or how I came to close to permanently ending all this pain my own way. All this special girl cared about, and continues to care about, is that I wake up happy each day and go to sleep happy each night. She puts so much work into me, making sure I never come close to falling apart like I used to, that I keep my head up and keep pushing forward.
Ladies and gentleman, this is the kind of person you keep around to call yours. Not only is she my teammate who is here through thick and thin, she`s also my best friend who I joke about random nonsense with like “can waffles survive the travels of space” and trade memes, which let’s be honest, she sends some pretty dank memes.
Despite all this, there is still a tragedy, one that I feel is worse than anything you have read to this point. For this girl, wakes up, looks in the mirror, and sees someone whose broken apart and not worth a dime. For every day, I think of this girl as a true masterpiece whose worth every penny and all the jewels in the world. For she is my queen. She stands by her man, gives him nothing but love (even if it`s tough love at times), shows him a whole new outlook on life, yet thinks so little of herself. That is the true tragedy of this story.
To my love, when you read this, I want you to know I promise that I will never give up on you. I will work you back up to a place where you can see what I see. A girl whose love is more precious than anything this world has to offer. A girl whose not broken, but is a fighter. I may have been a little late when it came to telling you how I feel about you, but I just want you to know that you are the only queen for this king. I will gladly take you to any kingdom you wish to go to, for that is my royal decree and a pinky promise that I will always make.
