Unfortunately in life it seems like you are always going to have people rooting against you. No matter who it is; friends, family or strangers, it hurts when someone tells you you’re not capable of doing something or that the dream you have spent countless days and nights trying to make a reality will never come true. Everyone should be telling those around us that they are capable of great things, and in my opinion; that includes doctors. That with hard work, dedication and some faith your goals and dreams for the future can happen. But with the negativity we may receive from others, it also sparks us to work harder, try harder and never give up until we prove those so-called ‘haters’ wrong.
This is the mentality we all should have, and after an appointment with a neurologist who has been practicing for 30 + years, and thought he knew me better than I did myself after the 30 minute visit, I am now more determined to prove everyone wrong that doubts me. It’s been almost three months since that appointment, and today I’m brushing off his extremely negative and wrong opinion of me, and doing better than ever with my health and the rest of my goals. But first, let me give you a little backstory of the recent doctor’s appointment that changed me:
All summer my brother had been begging me to see a neurologist about my epilepsy, even though my last seizure lasted less than a minute and was in February, and the last time I saw a doctor of that speciality I was about 14 years old. He too finally stepped it up and saw a neurologist, seeking help for his extreme back pain and I understood his concern for me. In August, weeks before returning to school; I finally gave into my brother’s nonstop nagging and had an appointment set. In my mind I knew how it was going to go, the second I say I have a history of seizures he wasn’t going to let me leave until I agreed to go on some ‘miracle’ medication, but I still went in with an open mind. And thank god I did, because as I would later realize I would need a lot of positivity to get through this visit alive.
I told my history with seizures and how after a 7-year hiatus they returned just before my 18th birthday. That I’m lucky because before every seizure I get an aura warning me it’s going to happen. I informed him of my typical triggers, the main one being stress, and with that I have been able to control them pretty well in the recent years with no medication. After I finished, he wasted no time telling me I was stupid for not being on medication, but that was not the only negative thing he said this visit, not even close. He then went on to tell me everything I shouldn’t be doing or never will do because of my epilepsy. That I should never swim or take a bath, and when I shower someone should always be around ‘just in case’. That I should never go anywhere alone no matter the mode of transportation, and I should never sleep alone either, as I could die in my sleep like a new born suffering infant death syndrome. That my dream of being independent and holding a job was unlikely, and that I’ll always need to rely on others to get through life.
And he went on and on for a good 15 minutes telling me everything I shouldn’t be doing, without even giving me a chance to speak and defend myself. His negative comments towards my future along with other poor judgments like scheduling tests for me to have done without consulting me first and prescribing me another woman’s medication by accident (which was also in violation of the HIPAA Law) made this appointment a complete disaster. Obviously I’m never returning to this doctor and his comments and assumptions of me were all untrue, which he would have known if he actually listened. But regardless of being wrong, his comments and bleak view of my future hurt. I cried the entire way home from Philly as I walked to the station and rode the speedline back to Jersey, in front of countless strangers; something I rarely do. In the moments after my appointment I felt worthless and inadequate; I felt so small and in some ways inhuman, which deep down I knew wasn't the case.
What made his entire view of me humorous was everything he told me not to do I have been doing for years like any other adult with great success, and without ever experiencing a seizure during said activities. I have held jobs and worked long hours while living alone and away from most of my family. I love swimming and taking a bath every once in awhile after a stressful day. Out of all the night sleeps a 23 year old has experienced, how many of them involved a seizure? Zero. I walk everywhere and a majority of the time I’m alone while doing it, never scared I might have a seizure, but more so that I might get kidnapped and be another typical Florida horror case. For a girl who on average has about two-three seizures a year, I refuse to just sit in a bubble and wait for them to happen like he was suggesting.
So as I’m sitting here now today, I have learned to brush off the shitty comments from that physician just like I have done with many others opinions of me in the past and to just keep moving forward. I know I’m smart, strong and capable of whatever I want for this life of mine. I will be independent working my dream job, getting by just fine on my own. And sure I’ll also have help from family and friends along the way, but because I want them to be apart of my life, not because I can’t do it on my own.
I’m going to continue to work hard and not let the negative comments of a select few stand in my way. I’m going to continue to live my life and not be afraid of it, because at the end of the day I am the only one that knows me, not some doctor. But for now I think I’m going to walk to the gym on my college campus alone, and take a long shower after working out before I watch some Netflix and go to sleep; alone. And I’m going to sleep so well knowing it’s been over nine months since I have had a seizure without the dependence of medication.
