Let me clarify: the entire show is ridiculous. Let me clarify, again: I love it. I had never seen a single episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette until Ben’s season this spring. For some reason, I had to see it until the end. I had to know which one of those perfect looking women got to be whisked away by Benjamin. Of course, it was the (nauseously boring) blonde and we could move on to more interesting and better things: Jojo Fletcher, The Bachelorette. My feminist-fueled self wanted to jump up and drop kick everyone on The Bachelor, but now I get to see a woman be able to control 26 guys with the flick of her wrist. GIRL POWER.
Back to reality. The whole “dating show” concept is insane and a little bit looney. Only two of the 20 couples from The Bachelor are still together (including Ben and his lady, Lauren) and only four of the 11 couples from the Bachelorette are still hanging in there. I’ve never seen any other season of the Bachelorette, but Jojo’s has come with some WEIRD moments. Let me tell you my favorites (the ones I laughed at the most):
8. The Chad Bear Eating His Feelings in Meat
Chad, Chad, Chad. What a great reality TV show villain he was. I miss Chad (not really). What I do miss, though, is his infatuation with meat. I think he mentioned it was for protein and that he missed his daily massive protein shake, so he needed to make up for that. It seems much more likely to me that he is a bear in a hot man’s body that was in need of feeding time before hibernation. I mean, he said it himself, “It’s not wise to poke the Chad bear”. Either way, this was a ridiculous 10 minutes of screen time. I’m not joking, they kept showing him eating meat over and over again. I don’t know, is it just me??!
7. Ben Roethlisberger (Accused Rapist) Makes a Cameo!
Apparently there’s always at least one celebrity appearance on each season of The Bachelorette/The Bachelor and I guess this time around it was an accused rapist! No fair, because Ben got to have Kevin Hart and Ice Cube. Roethlisberger made his arrival on Episode 4 when the men were coached by him, Hines Ward, and Brett Keisel to complete drills and a (no tackle) football game. He did not do much other than speak to Jojo about absolutely nothing and continuously laugh in the stands. Why they needed to choose Roethlisberger for this group date, I don’t know, but it was uncomfortable. Why didn’t they just get Aaron Rodgers, so he could tell his younger brother, Jordan (who is on the show), to get rid of that awful boy band haircut.
6. The Mysterious InTouch Magazine That Somehow Appears
The men say they found it while “getting their hair cut” and it just “happened to be sitting there,” but, from my one-day marathon of the show UnReal, I would for sure guess it was all the producers. Out of all the awful tabloid-style magazines, it just so happens that the one with a story slandering Jojo (by her ex-boyfriend, other non-bear Chad) would be chilling in the barber shop. Coincidence? I THINK NOT! It gets passed around by all the men in the giant hotel room and they all read it “three times,” because they apparently don’t understand it the first time around? Don't get me wrong, I love all these men sitting around and gossiping and freaking out over their beloved girlfriend, but it’s all so ridiculous. The only moment I enjoyed of this debacle was when Jojo starts crying and I got to see all their shocked faces: what to do?? Shout out to James for being the first one to rub her back and tell her it’s all going to be okay. I love you, James.
5. The Ultimate Two-on-One Date: Chad Bear and Little Alex
This was legitimately one of the most uncomfortable 25 minutes of television I have ever watched and I have seen every episode of The Office and never once fast-forwarded through Michael’s cringe worthy moments. The rule is that two people go on the date, but only one comes back. Ben’s season’s two-on-one was when Olivia got left on an island (what-what!!!). So, naturally, Jojo’s season involved her villain, Chad, and her knight in shining armor, Alex the Marine. Everyone could tell Chad was going home (just like Olivia), so the 25 minutes consisted of argument after argument after awkward confrontation between Chad and Alex. This was unnecessary and ridiculous. Either way, BYE CHAD!
4. Evan Asking for a New Shirt from Chad Over and Over Again
I got tired of Evan the moment I saw him and his scary mustache and Johnny Depp hair (I love Johnny Depp, but Evan isn’t Johnny). In Episode 3, where the group date of men slips into a weird version of the Vagina Monologues, Chad gets angry at Evan for making fun of him on stage and ends up ripping Evan’s shirt. After that apparently horrific moment, Evan asks Chad for a new shirt. I thought that would be the last we would hear of it, but apparently not. He brings it up twice more in that episode, then four more times in Episodes 4 and 5. Maybe that’s why he got sent home. Jojo realized she wanted a man who could afford his own $5 t-shirts without bullying his own bully into paying for it.
3. Throwing the Ashes of Chad’s Protein Powder into the Abyss
When Chad gets sent home, instead of Alex, there was definitely a reason to celebrate. The men jumped for joy as the oddly bearded camera man took Chad’s luggage instead of Alex’s. They clanked their several hundred beer cans together and Wells (who adopts rescue dogs, I love him, call me if you get eliminated) brings it upon himself to go fetch Chad’s left-behind protein powder to make an odd toast to his departure. He dumps a clump of it into every guy’s hand and they throw it over their shoulders like Lizzie Maguire in The Lizzie Maguire Movie. It was kind of weird, kind of hilarious. Nonetheless, I really hope in the finale Chad bear comes back with a vengeance to retrieve his forgotten protein powder only to learn they tossed it into the Abyss of Pennsylvania. High hopes, high hopes.
2. Little Alex Picking Fights for No Apparent Reason
The main thing I learned from the past 5 episodes is that men confronting other men is both sad and hilarious. I have never heard the word “bro” said repeatedly so much in one setting other than at a high school lacrosse game. These macho men puff out their chests, go face to face, and say absolutely nothing to help the situation. Alex, the king preschool bully, loves these confrontations, apparently. From telling Chad he’s the “dumbest person in this entire house” to telling Derek he’s a “whiny little b*itch,” to complaining about every little thing that ever happens to him. I think maybe he’s just extremely bored, because Jojo isn’t that into him. Or maybe he has a Napoleon complex and needs reassurance in a house full of 6’3” men (he’s 5’7”). No one knows, but it’s getting pretty annoying and ridiculous.
1. Jordan Backing Jojo into a Corner, So He Can Kiss Her?
I’ll be honest, there are a lot of creepy moments on this show, where I fear for Jojo’s safety, but this one took the cake. Maybe he has bad depth perception, but Jordan (the ex-pro football player) missed the mark on being cute and shoved Jojo several feet into a corner for his intended make out session. He says, “I already have a rose, so I don’t want to take up much of your time” and she goes “aw no, you’re okay” and then he pushes her hard into the wall, and her frightened voice and scared face sends up the red flag “HELP ME”. This earns the number 1 spot on my list, because I am still confused as to why the producers weren’t like, “wow that’s weird, let’s NOT put that in the show,” but I’m hoping for way too much with these producers. Instead, they turned it into a sexy/cute moment between the pair. Don’t ask me why.
I can’t wait to see what other goodies this season of the Bachelorette sends my way in the remaining few episodes. I already have my favorite men, but I won’t voice those (James, Wells, and Luke). Who are your favorites? Will Chad come back to haunt us with his protein powder and meat? Did Evan ever get a new shirt? These are just a few of the millions of questions I have after a mere 5 episodes this season of The Bachelorette.
