Mama, a sweet expression we usually utter very early on in our lives. Mommy, the expression of an innocent child at play. Mom, an expression we first use as a sign of exasperation. Mother, an expression more often used as a description. You, my dear mother, have deprived yourself of hearing these words. They are words that hold so much joy and so much love. They are words that only a select group on this earth can hear. If a person is lucky enough to be a parent, they are allowed to access the unconditional love of a child. You threw that love away and did not look back.
Mama, it is the first two syllables that some of us utter.
They, however, were not mine. I now look at that as a sign of where our relationship would go — which is nowhere. When I was born, you were not ready for me. I did not know that. I also could not have begun to know to understand where our relationship would go. The only thing I knew then was that I had a biological need for you to be in my life.
Mommy, the expression of an innocent child at play.
We have moved on in life. I have grown. I am figuring out the world on my own. My life is playdates and snack time and naps. I do not know what your life consists of because you are not in mine. All I do know is that you left me with my grandparents and are absent from my life. I still do not understand why you are not with me. It hurts. I cry to your mother and father — my grandparents — about you. They do their best to hide the truth but eventually I will figure it out. But, for right now, I feel like you left because of me. I feel like it is my fault and that thought will plague me for longer than I care to admit.
Mom, an expression we first use as a sign of exasperation.
I am in middle school. I have grown up. I am no longer confused. I still do not exactly know why but I do now know that you chose a life of drugs over me. It was your choice and now I must live with that. However, living with it does not mean that I forgive you or that I am okay with it. I will continue to learn how to live with your choice well into my teen years. I have become detached from my feelings for you. I do not have to cry myself to sleep but the hurt is still there.
Mother, an expression more often used as a description.
I am an adult now. I have grown up. I know why you chose drugs over me. I know why you left. You chose your addiction over me and that is a decision you will one day have to explain to God. You became so weak. You have become someone I despise. I am now detached. I am cold inside. You took my ability to love and be loved for so long. Slowly, I have become a person capable of love. Still, normal signs of relationships appear so strange. Signs of affection like hugs and kisses make me uncomfortable. I do not know how to cry except when I am so angry that words escape me.
Despite everything you have done to me, I must thank you. I know without a doubt that I do not want to be like you. I want to know my children. I do not want them to feel all the terrible things I have felt. My children will not know you because I want them to be happy. Take solace in the fact that because you were not there for me, I will always be there for my children. I will be a wonderful mother. So thank you, to the mother who left me.
