The battle of independence and dependence, and it can always be both but in different ways.

I am 21 and have had three places to call home. Two of these places no longer belong to me and therefore I only have the memories. Well that and the times I’m able to drive by, which I will admit to doing. Each place represents a time in my life and the place I was as a person. They coincide, holding hands and walk side by side through the stages I was and still am going through. With this I have learned a lot about the meaning of the name home and what it represents. Saying “I’m going home” has more meaning behind it then you think. At least that’s what I’ve realized. In a day it can change from a house that you never worried about having to pay rent to an apartment; every month you gave part of your sweat and blood money to. Once again a house, but this time with rent comes the guests that don’t help pay (that would be the spiders).

Starting with each place I found that I no longer needed a consistent home as long as I have consistent people. Not only the dog who’s been through it all, but the guy next to me. He’s the one that knows when to catch me when I fall and when I just need to fall and catch myself.

1. The House That Started It All

I lived on a residential street with an elementary/middle school as my neighbor. Which I was going to before I was even of age. Crossing the streets with my parent’s hands and watch my brother walk into the classroom. Here is where I spent nineteen years of my life. This is what I will think first whenever I say home, even though it now belongs to baby twins.

By the time I was eighteen I was dependent on my parents but independent on the choices I was making and trying to decide who I wanted to be. Although my parents helped influence I ultimately decided. Because of that I was struggling with who I was. And it was all in that house. The house soon became a synonym for my suffering.

I am grateful, although every day is different, every day I worry about something new. I am now able to get through it by thinking of those forest green walls of my first home, grasping all the feelings that I needed to leave behind to move on with my life. When I said goodbye to that house and moved into my first apartment with my boyfriend I took a step away from the girl that would escape into the fairy lite backyard in hopes of finding a fairy tale. And making my own.

2. The Apartment

This was the beginning of finding out what it meant to be independent with living on my own and finding out that I was OK to be dependent when it came to matters about myself. With the help of my relationship. The decision for The Apartment was in deciding that we both were in search of finding a place to live. This made it the time to make the decision and find out if we could be this happy everyday together. We knew it was serious and decided that we might as well find out now if we could live together. It turns out we can. With this I was able to find out a healthy way to depend on someone, learning to trust that I could come home to someone supportive every day.

It was just what I needed, knowing I could survive without my parents and the life they built for me. Learning that emotionally I didn’t need to be by myself. I could depend on someone else. Although I was getting support at home from my parents, it’s not the same as finding someone who will look at you. Know all evils that you can commit and still love you, still wanting to wrap your arms around you at the end of the night.

Because of the apartment I learned that the world is terrifying but that I can walk out into the darkness and not fall off the edge of the cliff. If I did so happen find the edge, I can depend on someone to catch me when I fall.

3. City Living

Now, 21 I am back to living in a house. This time completely different then my parents. A year later I am back in a neighborhood and in a house once again. But this time back in the city and now I actually feel that I have moved away. This is brand new and I haven’t lived in this house long yet. I’m learning what it’s like to live with two other people (three technically but my boyfriend doesn’t count) and what it’s like to see how their lives may or may not blend into mine.

Where I am now, with this new house and new roommates. It’s time to discover something more, more about learning how to work with people and not shy away from the idea of people around me. Wanting to be around me. This is a new step for me, one that is more then learning dependence and independence. A time to figure out what’s next for me and who I plan on being and wanting to become.

Here I am now. After calling three places home, one currently. I can see that each one has created me in some way. Home is the place you live, the people you’re with. You don’t realize what four walls can mean until you leave them behind. I am fond of every place I have lived, but am also happy that they are all memories now. Because it means that I have taken another step to move forward. Stepping into a new part of me, learning to live once again. Creating a new home, creating another shadow of my past. And a new turn in my future.