DISCLAIMER!

Before you begin reading this letter I would like you all to know that with the content you are about to read, I am receiving all the help I need to make myself better. I am very okay and very pleased with where I am in life, however, I decided to take this letter and make it into an article. Please do not think much of it. It's just the old me with old thoughts. Thank you!

Dj,

Where do I begin? For almost an entire year now, you've been my best friend. I hate that I have to be writing this but I know you'll understand.

You've kept me going for longer than I ever wanted to. Or even planned to. You were the small light in my dark world. You were the only one to ever care about me... That's all I ever wanted in life.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say in this. But I'll start by apologizing. I'm so sorry for being such a wreck. I'm so sorry for being so broken. I'm sorry you had to deal with me. I'm sorry it had to come to this. And I'm sorry I'm putting you through this. You were right to worry about me.

Now, just know none of this is your fault. You've kept me so strong for so long. I just couldn't hold on anymore... It's not your fault the darkness just consumed too much of me.

I love you Dj. You were one of the best things to ever happen to me. You came into my life at one of my darkest times and you saved me. I'm sorry you couldn't this time but that is not your fault and it never will be. God, you're my best friend. I don't know what I would've done without you... I definitely wouldn't have been so happy.

I'm at a loss for words for this. I'm sitting out here wondering if I really want to go through this now. I have my blade ready, but I can't stop crying at the thought of you being so broken. You told me you couldn't lose me again, you told me you needed me and I'm about to tear you apart.

But, I'm not sure if I can keep going. Life hurts so much. The voices won't leave my head. My thoughts keep taking over me and I can't stop it.

But who would text you all day just to annoy you, to make you smile? Who would stay up till 6 a.m. with you on the phone just listening to you ramble about life? Who would stay up on Skype with you watching you get sleep deprived and laughing at everything? Who would call/facetime you in the middle of the day just to see how your day is going? Who would you go to about everything stressing you out in life? Who would remind you every day how important you are? Maybe Lucas or Adam would...

Who would laugh at your dumb puns/jokes? Who would kick your ass (playfully)? Who would put you in your place when you're being dumb? I can't leave you... But my mind says different from my heart.

I hope you know how special and great you are. I know you'll be okay without me. You're a great person, you'll do fine in life and you're going to go places. I can't wait for you to see it. I hope you are able to easily forget about me... it was so easy last time...

I am so glad I was given the chance to meet you and be friends with you. You really changed my life and I will never forget that and everything you've done for me. I know I promised I'd stay for a long time, but some promises are just meant to be broken.

We talked on the phone tonight, you reminded me how important I was to you and how you needed me here. It only made my situation worse. It only made me want to leave even more. I can't believe you, I don't believe you. You don't need me when you have so many other people that are better than me. And you said, "But they aren't Bre."

Dj, I don't want to hurt you but I keep hurting myself more in the process. You always told me to do what was best for me. You always told me to do whatever was going to make me happy. And I think this is it, this is what's going to make me happy.

l don't know if you know this or not, but I would write down small little things you'd say to me in my journal. I would read them over and over on my bad days just because it helped me get through the day. YOU are my hero, YOU are the one that saved me...

I still remember the night you sat with me on Skype for eight hours straight, listening to me cry. You listened to me rant on and on about life. You listened to me for eight hours... and you helped me through it. I still remember the nights I'd text you asking for help because I couldn't do it on my own, you never let me down. Not even once.

Maybe I'll hold out a bit longer, maybe I'll try to keep on fighting for you, for Adam. God I can't leave Adam, he's my everything. Maybe this will be the letter I never send.