Sometimes in someone's life, they do things or act in ways which they weren't even aware of and suddenly, come across those things and wish they could just take those words or actions back. As a result, this is the motivation behind this letter.
It seems like a few years ago I decided I just knew absolutely everything about everyone and everything going on during this period of time. But, now being in a new chapter in my life, I realize I was wrong entirely and I didn't know everything and still don't know everything either. But, I really lack knowledge--probably what many others also are lacking-- on the intentions, feelings, emotions and desires of other people because ruefully, we probably don't even know our own. I'm not at all trying to say that we, as humans, aren't knowledgable as a whole. However, in this specific area of life it's not necessarily our strength either for many of us. However, as an example I will use my own experience to illustrate what is probably so common that many people never do anything to justify their actions as a result.
Whenever you enter a new stage of life there's some sort of challenge which you are going to be faced with and for me it was in regard to friendship. I realized now I had this challenge early on in high school because when people actually wanted to be my friend, I would somehow just manage to push them away. However, if you didn't want to be my friend, I would act in a different mannerism and in my last year of high school and first semester in college, I've realized that I did that.
As a result, I would like to justify my actions and form an apology because I feel as if things could've been different for me unfortunately though I can't go back in time to actually find out but I would like to have peace with myself at least to say I tried to.
I'm so deeply sorry for the way I tried you when you took the time out of your life to speak to me and actually really wanted to get to know me. I didn't mean to push you away even if I did want to teach you a few lessons about the way you were acting (a story for another time). I defiantly didn't realize how much you meant to me and surely didn't mean to hurt you either. If only I took your actions and words towards me more seriously back then, maybe I wouldn't be writing this right now and things in general would be different too.
Now, when I look back on those harsh words I said, too busy mannerism which I engaged in our conversations with, or how inconsiderate I was to you and your emotions and feelings makes me now feel like such a horrible individual. My way of asking a question but already determining my own answer before you even replied was also not needed because maybe if I just stopped and listened, I could've realized I was wrong in regards to certain things. If I could've stopped acting like that and not been a know-it-all as frequently as I was maybe I could've addressed this needed change sooner for myself.
Perhaps it would've let me put down my guard a little sooner and then accept help from others, more people into my life, or find things which I was passionate about sooner. Unfortunately, I didn't and as a result, I couldn't recognize the mistakes I made either. But fortunately for me as time has gone and at periods since this occurred, I've realized mistakes which I've made and have learnt a thing or two about them and have been able to make modifications to allow me to be a better person.
Which I'm extremely glad that I found and took advantage of because I feel like if I wouldn't of things could've been very different then they're today. Again, I'm sorry for letting things get control over me and preventing me from letting you into my life and from getting to know you however I feel as if there was a reason for you to be there you probably somehow involved in my life one way or another. And, for that I'm extremely thankful because always remember a first impression made by me isn't typically a very good one although they certainly have improved from prior history of encounters with other. (TRUST ME!)
But, thank you for giving me a chance to justify my prior actions towards you. Because even if you don't realize it I've learnt so much from you and how we have gotten this far. I hope you realize I'm not as coldhearted as I was then but no guarantees that trait about me has fully departed me either.
