Confession: there is nothing better than walking past your CPO box to see the little red slip of paper that signifies a package is waiting for you behind the tiny glass windows. At this, euphoria fills the soul, and a smile spreads across the face. Someone has cared enough to send something, or that cool coat ordered weeks ago is finally here.

There is a certain joy that comes with seeing something fill the box you worried would never be filled. A realization and reminder that someone out there cares for you, and has not forgotten you exist.

However melodramatic that sounds, it is the honest truth. I live for mail. I have developed the habit of checking my CPO box twice a day Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and I would probably check on weekends too if the mail room was open. Looking for anything inside my box has become ritualistic. It cannot go unchecked.

It has come down to a schedule. Monday, Wednesday and Friday I check after my class gets out at 9:45 then again at 2:30 once my day ends. Tuesday and Thursday I check at almost the same times, but it is much more rushed as my day is packed. I still make time for it, though.

80% of my inspections leave me empty handed and heavy hearted, but 20% of the time my heart leaps with exhilaration and glee. People do care! This sparkly body suit is to die for! Oh, junk mail.

Whatever it is, however large or insignificant, it still validates my existence. Rather than depending on my impact on the lives of those around me, I have let my worth be defined by how those I left behind show they miss me.

I am so utterly disappointed in myself for this. Giving is not the only way people show their love, receiving is not the only way we should feel validated by, either.

I honestly did not realize how much of a problem my habit of checking mail has become, but now that I know, I am going to work on it.

I never used to check my mail, and I am hoping that I can return to that eventually. I would like to return to the carefree girl who could care less if something was addressed to her or not, so that is what I will try. It is not the actual act of checking mail that is bad, but rather the time and worth I have put into it. I will use the time that I spent checking my mailbox to invest in others. I will put worth into things more valuable and beneficial.

This is cheesy, yes, but it is something I need to make an effort to change.

Goodbye meticulous schedule.

Goodbye let downs.

Goodbye mailbox.

Goodbye CPO#1457.

Hello something new.