When I was in second grade, I was told by a boy in my class that I was ugly. I came home crying that day from school, and when my dad attempted to comfort me, he told me that I was prettier than any of the other girls in my class, maybe even in the entire school. I knew that this wasn’t true, that there were plenty of girls much prettier than I was. I didn’t want to be the prettiest, per say, but I wanted to be pretty.
Comparison was my father’s quick fix. Any time I was insecure about anything, my dad would reassure me by telling me that I was better than other girls, that I was different than other girls, that I was smarter than other girls. Everything that I did was in comparison to these other girls. My life became a constant competition, one that I knew that no one could really win.
I really believe that my dad had the best intention at heart. After all, he was from the generation of Annie Hall’s and Bringing Up Baby’s, an era that told women that they had to be ‘different’ and ‘not like other girls.’ The entirety of this generation was all about comparing girls, teaching them to look for the smallest faults in other women to make themselves feel better, thus giving them negative things to look for in themselves.
My family is full of strong, beautiful women that love and support each other unconditionally, but they often do so by bringing themselves down. One of my aunts will complain that they gained a few pounds, and her sister will be quick to say that she weighs more, so there’s nothing to worry about. Another aunt will complain of grey hairs, and her sister will be quick to say that since she’s older, she probably has more grey hairs. It’s a constant battle of negative self talk, a constant war between who hates themselves more. Society seems to actually encourage women to believe that they should not love themselves, that they should help others by putting themselves down. I began questioning the possibility of loving our fellow girl, as well as loving ourselves.
By the age of 16, I realized that hating myself so extremely was absolutely exhausting. I realized that finding things to hate about myself had gotten old. I realized that I was actually ashamed of the idea of loving anything about myself. I realized that I feared being considered vain. I realized that society taught us that the act of loving ourselves was forbidden, that women were told to be less and less until they fit into shell of their former selves that they were expected to become. I realized that if I were to be anything in this lifetime, I wanted it to be happy. So, I made the decision to stop comparing myself to other women and decided that instead of spreading negative thoughts, I would encourage other women to be their best selves.
It is difficult. Every day, it is difficult to fight against the thoughts that have been instilled into us since birth. But with the world fighting against us every day, why give more fuel to the fire? Why help it to destroy, when we can help each other rebuild?
We, as the new generation, have the power to change the way the world pits women against each other. We have the power to decide against living in the cloud of self hatred that our former generations were pushed into. We don’t have to teach our daughters the same tendencies of self hatred, the same way that we were taught to see the world as a battleground. And we do not have to see the world as the battleground our parents were taught to fight on.
So don’t tear down other successful women. Do not look for things to hate about them. Encourage them! Tell them what a great job they’re doing! Let their hard work inspire you to be better. Help all women realize that they don’t have to be the prettiest girl in school to think of themselves as pretty, too.
