I have always been a person who struggled to make friends. I was always socially awkward and I didn't know how to make friends well. For most of my life I usually found myself alone, trapped in my thoughts which would usually be about school or how miserable and alone I am. I always knew that I wanted friends but I never went out of my comfort zone to try to make new friends. I was too afraid of how they would judge me or if they would be mean to me or that I would be embarrassed in any way.

I believe that those fears came from this one camp that I went to when I was 7 years old. At this point in my life, I was open to meeting new people and making friends but I didn't really do it so well. I was friendly but I was a little overbearing and annoying and I didn't really give people their personal space at times. I also have Asperger's and I feel that I have always been treated differently because of it. I feel that people could see that I have it due to how awkward I could be at times so sometimes, especially at this camp, people would take advantage of me, turn me into a laughingstock, and be flat-out rude to me. I had a horrible experience where no one in the group liked me and they picked on me for everything, even when I was trying to be friendly and fit in with them. Unfortunately, I used this one bad experience as an excuse to avoid people. I became afraid of other people and I often isolated myself.

This isolation led to many people making fun of me throughout my life. People often have seen me as a target since I rarely had any friends to defend me. I would sit alone with my head down and I was slouched over. Basically, my body language told others that I didn't want to be bothered with anyone and that I was afraid of them. In high school, there were some kids that would bully me. In high school, it was especially bad because all of my friends went to a different high school and I was unwilling to even try to make new friends. They threw food at me, called me "gay", and laughed about my unusual behaviors during lunch.

However, for every kid that bullied me, there were at least 5 that were nice to me in high school. There were kids who smiled and said "hi" to me in the hallways, complimented me on my presentations in class and wrote lovely messages in my yearbook which really stood out to me. They stood out to me because they were so heartfelt and two of the kids said that they wish that they could've become better friends with me.

When there was only one day left in high school I realized that I made a huge mistake. I realized that I wasted my entire high school career alone and miserable and that there were so many great friendships that I could've had. I didn't have to spend every day of high school doing schoolwork, thinking about my grades, contemplating life, complaining, and watching "the greatest years of my life" slip away. I could've had fun interacting with my peers instead. There were so many kids at my high school who cared about me enough to be so nice to me. But I never gave them a chance to be my friend and I feel so bad. Not only for myself for missing out on the opportunities but for them too because they tried to make a friend that would never be a friend back to them. I waited until the last day of high school until I finally asked a group of kids if I could sit with them.

Because I didn't make friends I feel that high school was a major disappointment. What should have been a period of growth was a period of decline. It wasn't like I never had friends before. In middle school, I was with all of my best friends and I have to say that the 2nd half of 8th grade was the only time in my life where I felt happy and actually looked forward to going to school. I had so much fun that year with my friends Matt, Vito, Brian, and Dennis. We joked around, made funny stories, fooled around with some of our assignments, and in general, we just had fun. But we couldn't have had such a great time if it wasn't for each other and the friendship that we had. I knew that I was going to a different high school than they were but instead of seeing the good in the situation by saying "I now have an opportunity to make new friends and enjoy the next 4 years" I viewed the situation in a much darker way by saying "Well I have a few months left and then I'll be all alone and miserable". And this perception of the situation became my unpleasant reality.

So far in college, I feel that I have been making necessary changes to avoid the fate I suffered in high school. I went up to so many people during orientation and introduced myself. I talked to more peers during orientation than I did in my entire high school career. I feel like I haven't made any close friendships yet but those take time and I feel I'm on my way to having those in the near future. I have been feeling better about myself since college started. Now I don't hide when I see someone familiar. Instead, I actually say "hi" and sometimes I may have a conversation. I am starting to feel that I belong here and I can't wait to get to know more people.