A common fear we all face is the fear of not knowing who we really are. Most of us feel the need to find out who we are by a certain age. The truth is, we never really know ourselves as well as we think we do. It can be a scary thought at any age. It sure was for me, still is, and will be for a very long time.

Twenty-one is not much of an older age, but it's the age where questioning is at its prime. It is the age when most people finish college or finally settle down in their lives. Most people...not all. The "not all"s are those who still haven't gotten their lives figured out. And it's a stressful moment when seeing others around you knowing exactly what they want to do and who they want to be. Chances are, however, that they are all just faking it. No one really has life figured out. But why do we lie to ourselves and pretend that we do?

I mentioned in a previous article that people tend to fake it until making it. Among us are our peers, mates, strangers who are most likely having an internal conflict as they make their way through this life. We often times wonder about our future and where we are headed. It is this journey to self-discovery that opens our eyes to a whole new self. Truth is, we have been on this self-discovery journey since a very early age. Influential stimulators in this journey are the people we surround ourselves with and the things we have been exposed to.

Life exposed to religion has a huge impact in who many of us become. And sometimes it’s not all so positive. Suddenly a fear is placed upon us at a very young age, at least for me it was. There are restrictions of way too many things. You can’t wear pants. Your hair must remain long, no cutting it. Jewelry is unacceptable with exception of wedding rings. Homosexuality is a sin. No sexual encounters or thoughts before marriage. Listening to music outside of the religion is frowned upon. And all at once, with just the very thought of any one of these, a fear takes over my body. God must hate me now.

These thoughts followed me into high school. It was an inner battle with myself. If I’m okay with any of these, then God will definitely be disappointed in me. But, this wasn’t necessarily true in any way and I suddenly found myself questioning everything.

We are all only human. Our bodies react in natural human functions with different sex drives, different preferences, and different paces. God, in no way, will be upset at us for doing so. However, the opposite was told in church and I believed that it was the wrong way of living. I closed my mind to what was believed to be wrong. All through high school, I was too honest to friends around me and ultimately shamed them. If I had to internally live through the shame, then others must, too.

I’m not too happy about that time of my life and would never want to be perceived as a judgmental person. After all, judgment is an essential part of my fear. But despite my flaws, I had amazing friendships with people that I could be myself with. I allowed myself to be open with my one best friends. Soon enough, I began to realize that maybe it wasn’t so bad to be myself.

However, all of high school you are told to decide what you want to do with your life. At a mere age of 15 we were told that we must have everything figured out. Again, a fear is cast upon the youth, this time through the American education. You are set to believe that your purpose in life is to go to school, figure out what you want to do and stick with it, make money, and work for the rest of your life. Are we ever really given the chance to figure out who we are at our own pace rather than what we are forced and told to believe?

So as I began college, I figured I can start anew. No one knows me here, I can be whomever I pleased. I chose to be myself. I decided to pursue one of the things I enjoyed most: writing. If I must choose something for the rest of my life, then it will be something that helps me figure things out. My second year of college is one that focused particularly on identity. It is one that allowed me to take a step back, open up my mind, and respect that a change was happening. I found my 19-year-old-self writing:

“Who am I? How do others view me? Who are the people I associate with? What new things have I discovered about myself? Some questions were answered, and others I'm still trying to figure out. We're all still discovering ourselves along the way. Hell, I don't even know if something will happen in the future that will change me for the good or bad, but what I know now is that I know where I've been and I like to think I'm certain of where I'm going. I've realized now that we never really know ourselves as well as we think we do. You discover something new about yourself every day. But then there are days when you discover something about yourself that changes so much of the way you see life. But that's OK, because there's nothing wrong with who we are.”

Discoveries are always something fascinating whenever it is about oneself. It is these discoveries that allow us to progress in life. Sometimes they are good things that can always be improved on. The bad, however, can always be altered. Whether it’s the people we surround ourselves with that alter these new discoveries or the things we expose ourselves to, we are all still in the expedition of life. My third year of college consisted of confronting the inner demons that were still inside of me. I still had doubts of who I was and where my life was headed. But, all the while, there was more of a calm than the fear that was previously there. Sometimes, I reread my journals in an attempt to assure myself that I was still in that journey of self-discovery and all will fall into place.

Today, I am happy with where I stand and who I am. While I’ve still got a long road of uncertainty ahead of me, I can guarantee that I am in the right direction. There is still a whole lot about myself I have yet to uncover and I can only hope that the excitement of discovering new sides of myself will be beneficial to my future. Many will not agree or particularly like who I was, who I am, and who I will be and I am okay with that. I’m still on the road of self-discovery. It’s a long way up from here.