By definition, a paradox is something that “combines contradictory features or qualities.” In other words, it’s an inconsistency.

I’d like to think of myself as a walking paradox.

I am, and always have been, a hopeless romantic. I believe in soulmates, and how someone among the 7 billion people in the world, could be the ‘one’. I’ll spend hours watching proposal videos on YouTube, and yet, I am afraid of falling in love. How’s that for a paradox?

I’m not one for math, but it simply doesn’t add up.

I daydream about love, and yet, I physically won’t let myself fall. The moment I find myself teetering even on the edge of interest, I run. I sprint back to my desolate forest, far from the open void of vulnerability with no reason why. Perhaps I am reluctant to lose my fierce independence, but if I’m completely honest, it’s the fear of getting hurt that keeps me withdrawn.

I’ve been burned by quite a few flames--and those are flames that barely ignited into anything but a small spark. I can barely fathom burns from a wildfire. If I get burned from a few small sparks, how could I survive living through an explosion? I won’t let myself even find out.

But maybe in the end the only person who will burn me, is myself. Maybe by not letting myself fall in love, I’m lighting my own forest on fire. I’m lost among the smog, silently screaming.

I’m holding the matches, fearing something that might never even happen. I’m scared of getting my heart broken, so I’m breaking it on my own.