“I’m fine, really, I’m fine.” I say for the second time, stumbling, reaching for my keys that I had dropped for the third time.

That was me. Almost every time I went out to drink. I could never rationalize that I shouldn’t be driving. I was always, “fine, totally fine.” I recently quit drinking all together, and one of the many reason for it was because of a night that I had drank way too much, and I drove, but couldn’t hardly remember the drive. I woke up the next morning, at home, got ready, and went to church. As I stood there in church that morning I started crying, because I couldn’t understand how I wasn’t in jail for hurting someone else on the road the night before, or how I wasn’t dead myself. I couldn’t understand how God had gotten me home safely. And that moment changed something in my heart, because I realized just how blessed I was to be alive.

Now, as much as I would like to say that was my epiphany moment, and that never again did I make that risky decision to drive drunk, I can’t. That wasn’t my moment. I drove drunk two more times after that night before I gave up drinking.

A couple of nights ago I was looking at snapchats from a friend of mine who was at the bar having fun, and drinking. She was smiling, laughing, and just alive as ever. The next day, I was sitting in the library at school when I decided to take a break from the paper I was writing and go on Facebook. I saw her tagged in a picture with the words, “FLY HIGH, GIRL. RIP.” I just stared at the picture wondering who would create such a sick post. What kind of joke is that? So I clicked on her profile, and was flooded with posts on her wall of pictures, and parting messages. My heart suck into the bottom of my stomach. I was instantly nauseous. How could this be happening? She was just here. Just last night! After finally getting in touch with someone, I had found out that she had crashed and died on the scene. It was anywhere between one and three in the morning.

Now, I am not making the assumption that she was drunk. That is not my assumption to make, and until the toxicology report comes back, no one can be sure. But, I did see her snapchats, and I do know that she was drinking, and then she drove. And this makes my heart hurt so much, for so many reasons. But given that this is an article, and not a book, I’ll save those reasons for another day.

After finding out what happened, I sat in my car and cried. I cried for her. I cried for her family, I cried for her friends, and I cried most importantly for her best friend and roommate, who is also a very close friend of mine. I know that my friend wasn’t with her the night this happened, but when you’re in a moment where reflection is all you can do, you reflect on everything.

All of a sudden I was thinking about all the times I let my friends drive after drinking too much, because they told me they were okay. Or all the many times I promised that I was okay and drove. I started thinking about what it would do to me and their families to lose them, and what it would do to them and my family to lose me. I was sick. I was mad. I was mad at her friends, and I was mad at my friends, and I was mad at myself.

Later that day, when one of my best friends got off work, I went right to her house and hugged her. I hugged her and we cried thinking about all the times we had let each other go. We talked about how blessed we were to have each other, and to have our lives. We talked about how stupid we had been in making those decisions. We talked about the impossibility of facing this world without each other. And that applies to all my friends.

It’s been a couple days, and I still can’t stop thinking about my beautiful, funny, and intelligent friend who was one moment here, and the next gone. Every moment of the day I think about her family, and her friends, and her best friend and roommate. I think about how fleeting this life is. Everyone says it, it’s a common motto: “Life is short”. But until something like this happens, you forget just how short it is.

I want to take this time to apologize. I’m sorry to my family and friends for constantly putting my life in jeopardy. I’m sorry to my friends for letting you go, when I should have made you stay. I’m sorry for the people on the road the nights that I drove drunk, I’m sorry I was being inconsiderate and putting you and your family in danger. And I’m sorry to myself, for treating my life as something to be gambled on.

Seriously, life is short. Life is fleeting. Go and tell your family how much you love them. Go and tell your friends how much you love them. Cling to your loved ones, because you only get one chance. And please, please, please, don’t ever get behind the wheel if you’ve had a couple to drink. Even if you’re convinced you are okay. And don’t listen to your loved one when they say they are okay.

Live your life to the fullest, but be smart. Be kind to yourself and your loved ones. Take care of yourself, because there are so many people who love you. And trying to get on with this life without you, is going to be one of the hardest obstacles anyone has ever had to face.

And to my beautiful friend: Rest easy. And say hi to my mom for me, will you? I will love you and miss you always.