Thursday, September 26, 2019.

The second best day of my life.

We welcomed our baby boy into the world. We had the day scheduled for weeks in advance. I was calm, not nervous. Excited, but getting anxious as they walked in to bring me back to prep for surgery. I've never been diagnosed with anxiety but I know it's something I struggle with. Shaking uncontrollably, hard to get words out, feeling helpless to yourself.

Before I knew it, our precious baby boy was here. His cry made me cry. My first birth experience was far from perfect. Which is why I was so nervous for this one. This time around, it went absolutely perfectly. We got into recovery and I finally got to hold my boy. He's perfect. I may be biased, but I make some damn cute kids.

Why wouldn't that make me happy?

Finally, our big sis came in to meet her brother for the first time. During my entire pregnancy, I was nervous and scared that she wouldn't love him, that she would think we loved her less because someone new is around. I remember thinking, I'm going to bawl my eyes out when she sees him for the first time. She comes in and was so excited. She's been such a big help from the beginning. She loves her bub and I can tell she is going to be the best big sister. I was excited for everyone else to meet him. Like I said, this birth went so great I haven't been in any pain. That anyone can see, anyway.

Saturday morning came around and we were finally ready to bring our handsome man home. I was excited to get home because I was ready for the comfort of the walls around me in my own space. Hospital rooms get old and uncomfortable after a while. Our first afternoon at home made me nervous. Would we do ok? Would big sis get jealous? Would Dixie be too hyper? I worried for nothing. It went so well. It was just like I pictured it would be. Finally relaxing in our home with our two babies and our fur baby. Why wouldn't I be happy?

Sunday, day three, postpartum. Our first night at home was ok. Not horrible but could've been better. We relaxed all day, took naps, unpacked everything from the hospital, and cleaned up the house. I'm not a neat freak by any means but I love a clean house. I'm my mother, what can I say? She molded me into the mother and wife that I am today and I couldn't be more thankful.

We had planned to have my in-laws over for dinner that evening. I love my in-laws so much. I am truly blessed to have married into their family. I love spending time with them and I love that we get to have dinners with them so often.

All of this goodness going on in my life, yet something is still off.

During dinner, I just sat there. As I said, I love company and I love the dinners we have. But something wasn't right. I wanted to go into the bedroom, close the door and just cry...for no apparent reason. Just cry. I kept thinking to myself, why? Why are you thinking this? Look around you. You're having dinner with your in-laws. You love this time and company.

Why do you want to cry? WHY?!?

They left and I told my husband how I felt. He is amazing. He knew it was confusing but he didn't question how I felt. He listened to me talk about my problems all day. Maybe it's from lack of sleep? Who knows. Hell, I don't even know and it's my body and my mental health and I couldn't even figure it out.

Monday morning. The night before had been awesome. The baby only woke up once to eat and slept for four hours. I got a great sleep In between feedings, big sis slept in her room all night, and daddy slept. We all woke up great.

I finally got to shower after three days. If you've given birth, you know how great and wonderful the first couple of showers are after everything your body goes through. The baby had just eaten and was having some great skin-to-skin bonding time with his daddy. This was my chance. I got to shower in peace, wash my face, brush my teeth, and blow dry my hair. That's a big deal to me.

It was the baby's first doctor appointment day. I was so excited to get out of the house. To see people. To get some fresh air. To get to feel normal. At least that's what I had in mind. The drive to the doctor went well. The baby did well. Not fussy at all. He really is the most perfect baby. Doesn't cry much at all. After how I felt Sunday night, I was so glad to be feeling better.

I thought it was just one bad moment and I would be OK. At least that's what I thought.

We get to the doctor and I was still feeling awesome. Like I said, no pain from surgery at all. Finally, excited to get out of the house. Then it all went down hill from there. We got to the doctor's office, got checked in and as we stood there, I start to feel it. I was getting light-headed, anxious, and nervous. I couldn't explain it. I still can't. I never want to feel that again. The baby appointment went so great. We have a healthy baby boy.

Why wouldn't I be happy?

The thing is, I am happy. It's my mental health that isn't.

If you've read this far, I give you props. When a baby is born, the attention goes to the baby. People may ask how you feel, how you're doing, but what they really are asking is about the baby. No mother wants to feel the way I felt. No mother wants to be unhappy. No mother wants the anxiety of leaving her house after getting so excited to get out.

That's just it. I am over the moon happy and blessed for this wonderful life and nothing could ever make me want to leave this world.

Postpartum depression is real.

It's there. You may not see it. You may not have a clue how a mom is feeling. You may not know just what she's thinking. I say this to you, ask. Ask how she's doing. She may break down and cry right in front of you, and that's okay. You're making it known that you care. You care about her just as much as you care to see that precious bundle of joy she just ruined her body to bring into the world.

No, I haven't cried yet. I've held it back when I shouldn't have. It probably would have made me feel better.

As I sit here and write this, I already feel better. I am extremely blessed. I'm snuggling my baby boy, my princess is asleep on the other end of the couch, and life truly couldn't get any better.

Check on new moms. Check on moms that have just given birth again. They need it. They need to know there are people there who care. They may not be able to feel better on their own but the thought and concern you give her will help her wonders. Mental health is a bitch. Don't let a mother fight it alone.