If you’re anything like me and find exercise to be purely cathartic and essential to your life -- nearly equal to air, water, food and your daily dose of reality television -- you too would know the “dynamics” of any given university gym. Specifically at my gym, it seems as though, by now, I’ve got mostly the entire dynamic down. In fact, sometimes, I find myself having to bite my lip to prevent myself from laughing, and the occasional gagging at some of the “sights” I see. So if you’re not a gym regular or aren’t quite aware of your surroundings when in attendance, here is the list of what this unique population consists of; which one are you?
The Faker
We all know that one girl who goes on the elliptical at a leisurely pace, texting more intensely than her workout actually is. After getting off the machine, without a drop of sweat, she then proceeds into the sauna, leaving 30 minutes later with what seems like sweat dripping all over her face.
You can’t fool me, honey! I see what you’re all about. And please, do us all a favor, when there are three people waiting in line for a machine at peak hours of the day, get off. You can text while you fake your workout in the sauna.
The “See and Be Seen”
Commonly showing up anywhere from two to four times a week, this is a semi-gym regular who, god forbid, wouldn’t dare set foot on a machine. She only shows up for class, with a friend or two in tow. This gal only attends the packed classes that you have to show up at least an hour early for; not quite a “faker” but in it to show off her tight, toned booty and new $95.00 pair of Lulu Lemon crops that, clearly, you weren’t rich enough to buy.
This girl only goes to the classes that are so packed you can barely find a mat. Clearly, her sole purpose is that she wants to check out the action and, more importantly, wants you to know that she too goes to the gym. She’ll post it to SnapChat, Instagram and Facebook just to make sure that everyone who didn’t feast their eyes on her knows she was there.
The “Once A Year-er”
The occasional gym goer, the "I’ll start tomorrow” exerciser, usually only shows up after the New Year. If she’s lucky, she’ll venture into this unfamiliar place maybe twice a year. These gals are a dime a dozen and are the reason why the gym is packed right after the first of the year.
We regulars are nearly falling off our ellipticals, shocked that they are spotted at the gym. It's OK, you have the rest of your life to follow through on that “New Years resolution” of attending the gym regularly. Your daily dose of “exercise” probably consists in clicking from one Netflix episode to the next.
It’s a little too clear that when you tap me on the shoulder asking how to “work this machine” that you’ve never really been here before. I’ll cross my fingers for you that next year, or maybe the following year after, that you follow through on your “grandiose” plan.
The Head Turner:
We get it. You’re hot. Your perfectly toned abs are either a result of your perfectly constructed gene pool or regular participation in exercise. As for the rest of us, our self-esteem is literally flushed into the toilet whenever this chick walks in and has all the guys and girls catching a glance. It’s pretty apparent that most everyone is turning their heads once, and then once again for a “double take.” This gal minds her own business, simply un-phased by the amount of stares she gets. This girl is everyone’s gym motivation, and clearly she knows it.
The “Sorority Girl”
This gal is a semi-gym regular. She only shows up places in sorority gear to advertise she’s in one. I can assure you, we got it the first 30 days in a row we all caught you wearing a Greek life tee. If I had to guess, your mom didn’t birth you from the womb in a sorority tee. I promise that it will be OK if you wear non-promo Greek life clothing now.
I commonly find myself wondering… “Do you have any 'real clothes' at all? Clearly, we all see that you know that you “got 99 problems but a bid ain’t one.” As for myself: I got 99 problems, and I ain’t got a bid. So clearly I got 100 problems, not 99, but thanks for the reminder!
The Overly Studious One:
Never, ever caught with ear buds in her ears, and you never catch a glance of this girl without a thick stack of papers or textbook while working out. Clearly, she’s taking about 18 to 20 credits this semester and cant afford to take any time out of her day to not be studying.
As for myself, this gal always makes me feel guilty about the "Real Housewives" re-runs I watch while working out. I applaud this incredible multi-tasker. Kudos to her for jogging at a brisk pace while reading the 10th chapter of her Organic Chemistry book. I may or may not bring one of my textbooks next time, too. However, chances are slim that I’d ever be caught working out and reading at the same time. In the words of the iconic film "Mean Girls"… the only thing I have to say to this gal is: “You Go Glen Coco!”
The Regular:
Whether she’s a cross fitter, ex track runner/cardio junkie, yogi or anything in between, this gal makes sure that she attends the gym regularly. She needs nobody to motivate her to go and attends no less than five times a week. It is clear that making her way over to the gym for her daily dose of exercise is just as imperative as brushing your teeth, washing your face and breathing. Her and all the other gym “regulars” (guys and girls) wave at one another when spotting each other. For the “regular,” this hour is often golden, cathartic, and they cant imagine life before their love of fitness.
All in all, you might be one of these gals, or you might be a combo of a few. In all seriousness, being each and any one of these chicks is perfectly OK! Do whatever floats your boat, but remember, you never know who may be watching. Hope you all have a “Reily” good workout!
