I thought about life without him when he was lying on my stomach. The night grew dark, the music grew softer. For some reason, I thought about life without him and it tore at my lungs. The weight of him on my stomach was nothing compared to the thought of living without him. Although, life with him was something I had never experience- he still felt familiar. He gave a sudden wave of calmness whenever I was with him. When I touched his skin, I swore the waves coming down stopped. I was an ocean, a hurricane at best, and he was nothing but a soft current.

Without him, I would feel everything once again. As if I was wandering through a forest with no shoes. Every rock and stick poking at my bare feet. I would feel everything all over again in the worst way. There would be no moderation. He came like an a cool breeze on a hot summer day. His eyes were something I always searched for. The pair of eyes, that when you looked into them, you saw yourself. His eyes were the type of blue that everyone wished they had. I searched him for years, without even knowing. I would sit in a cafe for hours waiting for him to walk in and sit next to me. The brightest hues lived in those eyes.

The quiet nothing between the breaths of his rising and falling chest soothed me to sleep most nights. I wondered if there was just enough room in his heart as there was in his lungs. The bed that we slept in, was always warmer with both of us. I used to lose sleep over the "what if's." Now, I don't. However, late at night when he is grinding his teeth,I find myself thinking about "what if's"- always ending with him. So when I think of life without him, I sort of hesitate.

The type of hesitation one gets when they don't think they will make it to the surface of the swimming pool. As if they might drown, but never do. And it was in that moment I started to breathe. I had been holding my breath since- I cannot even recall the time I stopped. All I know with him, I felt it all. When I thought about life without him hesitation tore at my inner brain. When you are next to a cliff, and you know your body will not fall but the hesitation is still these.

His hands ripped into my spine and goosebumps found a home in my bones, once used for firewood. To keep people who once lived in me warm. He was like a sailboat on a smooth ocean. Hitting the waves I had, only for speed. Without him, I would be lost within a river of failure and crossing it would be the death of me. I used to have mountains of regret, of the words I never said. With him, there were no regrets that ripped at my skin anymore.

He was the type of person I could not write about. I could not write deep poetry because he never hurt me. I tried to write poems about him, but never came out how I ever wanted. They really were not anything. The poems about him spoke in a way one speaks about their deepest fear. There was always some sort of hesitation, and uncertainty. The poems I wrote about him were of potential, endless potential I saw in him. With him, I felt like I was like living on the road. I planned of where I wanted to go. Once I got started, I never did quite end up where I wanted to be. That's the best part- reaching a destination I never quite intended.

Without him, life was different. To share a heart, mind, and soul is never enough. When the hurricane that I have inside me calms down, our bodies will relax. And once again I will feel everything I never felt before. The hesitation of not knowing when this would happen made me ache. I wondered what I would be without him. Then he woke up from sleeping, and smiled at me.