She wakes up every morning with a to-do list next to her bed, a fully scheduled planner, and a black cup of coffee to get her through the day. She has become defined by her ability to schedule her days from morning to dusk, arrive at each destination promptly, perform the designated task, and continue throughout her day until her head hits the pillow. But this girl who wants to do everything while scheduling her life away is no longer a girl that I know. She has lost her purpose for completing everything she does and she is fading into the rhythm of the schedule and the need to be busy all of the time to avoid loneliness, contemplation, defeat, and shame.

This girl who wanted to do everything is me. Or rather the girl I don’t want to be anymore. For some reason, whether the pressure comes from society, friendships, or media, I have felt the need to over-perform in all areas of my life while ensuring that it looks effortless and blissful. On paper, I looked like a very successful college student with my ducks in a row and a smile on my face. In reality, my smile masked my exhaustion and insecurity while my ducks began to sink into the pond.

But I couldn’t see all of this while in the midst of it all. I thought that if I could please everyone, look great on the outside, and continue to complete all of the daily tasks, I would be happy and I would be successful. I was numb in my day to day life and began to believe the lie that I was feeding myself.

But then the school year stopped. The activities of the semester faded away into the summer while work and internships paused before beginning again in a month. I felt lost and acknowledged this pain for the first time in a long time. I didn’t have a million activities to schedule myself into in order to avoid this pain.

So, I returned to my hometown in Colorado, went into the mountains, and sat in silence. I looked around at the river flowing through the forest and the mountains piercing the sky. Deer were grazing across the meadow and birds were chirping in my ear. I began to think, I began to feel, and I began to realize the void that I was trying to fill by being busy and trying to please everyone. I realized how beautiful the world I was trying to shut out really was.

These thoughts changed my perspective but I still had no idea what to do with all of these new feelings. And then I had a conversation that changed everything. It seemed like a completely simple question but it made me realize that I had been living my life for all of the wrong reasons. My friend simply asked me, “what makes you happy?”. The things I began to list had nothing to do with me but rather if I made other people happy and how my resume was shaping up. He stopped me. He asked again, “What makes YOU happy?”. I paused. When I began to speak again I realized that the things I wanted to do, the things that made me happy, might not align with everyone else’s idea of me. Heck, the things that made me happy are challenging and different than what most people would consider as fun or leading to success.

And while I will consistently struggle with my inability to think only of my opinion of myself, not everyone else’s, I learned something throughout this entire process. When you begin to live the life that fills your heart with passion, joy, and true bliss, you will often face challenges, roadblocks, and people that will judge your decisions and your actions.

But if you continue to live your life for these people, by these people’s rules and society’s definition of success, you will miss out on the most important parts of your life. I realize that what makes me happy, what fuels my heart, and what drives me to live may not align with everyone else and may cause me to lose some relationships. But why live a life in fear and conformity when you can run into the world with dirty hands, scraped up knees, and a smile from ear to ear?