We were ruined from the start. They all are; every relationship with me is. How can you have a successful relationship if you cannot love. I want to be able to look at you and not feel appalling, but that is unmanageable.

I wish we could talk it all out, but that’s nearly intolerable. I don’t care if you tell me how awful I was because I know. I see that I didn’t make you feel loved or important; I was blinded by everything and didn’t simply allow myself to love you.

My life had become a mess, and I drug you right into the chaos. I was lost. I didn’t know who I was and felt so out of control with my life. Just please understand that I was drowning and didn’t know how to save myself.

At some place in the back of my mind, I thought you could save me – even if I didn’t give you a shot at saving me. I see that I messed up and I’ll never have the chance to love you, but I wish we could put all of this behind us and go back to the way things were before.

Before – that’s nice… when you loved me for the person you thought I was; before you knew how broken I was. You knew about my past just like everyone, but I seemed to hide the hurt better without all of the pressure of a relationship.

I could block my sadness out while talking to you as your friend, but the second the word boyfriend popped in, my mind skipped out. Once a relationship was sprung upon me, I spent every second talking to you, so how could I possibly hide the pain? It’s just not possible, and I’m sorry I put you through that.

I couldn’t handle it; I thought I would be able to ignore the past and love you the way I knew I could. It breaks my heart seeing all of the potential we had, but couldn’t live up to because of my inability to love. I knew before we started dating that it would ruin our friendship, yet I still went for it. Please don’t hate me.

I killed an amazing friendship based off of fantasy. I saw the way you looked at me, and you gave me butterflies galore; for some reason I let myself believe that was enough for us to prosper in love.

My brain knew it wasn’t enough, but my shattered heart over-powered my brain. I let rhyme come before reason; actually, I never gave reason a chance.

Reason never gets a chance with the girl afraid to love. Logic doesn’t have a drop in the ocean under these circumstances. I wasn’t prepared for a relationship and didn’t even see it. You noticed how awful it was fairly quickly and I thank you for speaking up about it.

I tried to say you broke me by not allowing me to love you, but in reality, I was already broken, and could never love you.

Please try not to be bitter about this, as I have done.