Weight. We gain it, we lose it. But when it comes to weight in college, the majority tends to gain it. The term "freshman 15" gets thrown around a lot to represent how much weight you typically gain your first year of college. For me, things were a bit different. Fully intending to gain the Freshman 15 my first year of college, I did the complete opposite. I actually did the exact opposite and went the extra mile. My freshman year of college, I started as a healthy 118 pound student and ended as a sickly 85 pound borderline dropout. How did this happen? Let's start from the beginning.

The year is 2018. I had just broke free from a miserable relationship and I felt like I had no where to turn. As a way to relieve my stress, I picked up the hobby of exercising. Specifically, I picked up the hobby of running. At first, I ran when it was most convenient. Maybe once or twice a week. By the end of 2018, I was running nearly everyday. This was completely fine though, because I would run a max of 2 or 3 miles and I would refuel my body after each run like you're suppose to. Along with exercise, I picked up on dieting and eating healthier. And slowly but surely I started to lose weight, but it was healthy. I went from 163 pounds to 118 pounds in a matter of a few months to a year. I was happy with my progress.

July 2019, I start college. Here is where things started to get out of hand. I was still running everyday, but not a small amount like before. I would run anywhere from a minimum of 5 miles to a max of 10 miles. To make matters worse, I wasn't fueling my body properly to make up for the calories I burned on runs. I started getting into tracking my calories and watching very intently what I ate. I got to the point where I cut so many things out because I dreamed them "unhealthy" or "fattening". Keep in mind, these "unhealthy" foods I cut out were actually completely fine foods like bread and fruits or anything high in carbs. I would track things so precise to the point where I was even tracking the gum I chewed. Eventually, it got to the point where I would lower my calories more and more each day. I would burn more calories than I was putting in my body and I was under the impression this was a good thing. I was running everyday, and exercising on top of that. My meals consisted of very small portions or very few calories. Soon enough, 3 meals a day turned into 2 meals a day. Then 2 meals a day turned into one full meal a day with small snacks. This is where I started to form the habits of a terrible eating disorder.

On my calorie tracking app, I would make sure I never surpassed 1300 calories. And with all the constant exercise I was doing, my net calories for the day would end up being around anything as low as 300 calories to 1000 calories. And we all know this is NOT okay in any sense. No human can function properly with this low of calories per day. But I thought it was great. I thought I was doing so well and everything I was doing was fine and healthy, but it wasn't. That's how the eating disorder tricks you. It makes you believe what you're doing is completely normal and fine, but in reality, you're slowly killing yourself. By the end of the summer semester I was border-lining 100 pounds, and I thought that was just the coolest thing. I was happy with the excessive exercising. I was happy with malnourishing myself. I was happy with losing more and more weight each day no matter how worried people started to get. But, again, that's how the Eating Disorder tricks you. It alters your thoughts and tell you "exercise and burn off what you eat", "don't eat this, don't eat that". It completely kills your mind and slowly drains you piece by piece.

Starting the fall semester 2019, I had hit 98 pounds. A part of me knew this was wrong, but my eating disorder told me it was great and to keep doing what I'm doing. So I continued to exercise daily. I continued to run daily, upping my miles even more. At this point, I was averaging at least 30 miles a week, running anywhere from 3 miles to 10 miles. Now, this would be completely fine if I were nourishing myself afterwards, but I wasn't. I remember after each run, I would force myself to not eat anything because I was scared to put the calories back in that I had just worked so hard to burn off. Typically my gym sessions were at night after classes; and I remember I wouldn't be happy until I worked off every calorie I had put in my body from dinner. I literally would not leave the gym until my dinner was burned off. I was burning as much as 700 calories a day with rarely any off days or rest days. With only putting in around 1300 calories, my net calories were in the 100s, at the least 300 calories. THIS IS NOT OKAY!

Things only get worse from here, sadly. And I'll continue this story in a part 2 which I will post later on.

Thanks for reading my journey so far, part 2 coming soon!