To the first boy I loved before,
It was in our sixth grade computer class.
We would have to sit in alphabetical order as our computer teacher, Mr. T, would go on a somewhat 20-minute rant about how young people don’t know better about life before we actually laid our fingers on a keyboard. As I dozed off, I would anticipate seeing your freckled faced when I turned around. You would never disappoint whenever I did.
My feelings for you were ridiculous, and at 12 years old I knew that. Our interactions were childish. You would bark like a puppy constantly, and I would slap you silly— and then called you silly. We exchanged jokes to commodify our limiting entertainment in that class whenever we had free time. We would race typing random combinations of words and segmented gibberish to see who would win. It was annoying that you always did.
But then you would teach me how to improve, showing me the way to pro-typing because you genuinely wanted to help me (I really did suck at first). And then you alway made me feel better every time you made those stupid jokes, and barked like a dog and made me call you a “bad doggie” (because how terrible I was at typing).
God we were weird.
But you made me happy. You made me fall in love.
Don’t get me wrong. After sixth grade I completely forgotten about you due to lack of mutual friends and un-coordinating class schedules. Actually I went on to high school thinking I had never been in love before. Until 12th grade.
You just had to be in my AP Psych class.
Taller. Cuter. Broader shoulders. More defined hazel eyes. Same freckles. And you played baseball.
As a non-believer of love and romance, I did not approve of this epiphany. Seeing you in that class made me realize that I had forgotten about my falling in love with you. I could have gone through life thinking that I didn't have those useless “first loves” under the age of 18, let alone 12 years old.
However with my current slightly mature mentality, I’m glad I fell in love. I don't regret loving you because you were the perfect boy-next-seat-over.
If I didn't have loved you, I could have loved a jerk at 16 years old who would have constantly broke my heart or had evolved into an unhealthy, controlling relationship at 17.
Even at a young age, before I had met you, I knew love is dangerous, and you confirmed it. I had fallen for you and I didn't know it, or maybe I did and I was just cautious with you. I will never know why I never told you.
Either way you were the perfect first love for me because you made falling in love more natural rather than dramatic, like a Shakespeare tragedy. You made me experience the allure of love, and that was enough to my naive 12 year old self. I didn't need the complicated part that came with it. Hell, even at 21 years old I still can’t.
If you had shared the same feelings (I will never know that you did but just hypothetically speaking), if you had pursued me during or after 6th grade, I honestly wouldn't think we would have lasted. The scars that inflict my cynical views of love stung throughout high school and continues to as I write this letter. Maybe it was best that you will never know, and I'm okay with that.
The memories of loving you are enough.
Thank you for the memories, the butterflies, and the ability to feel (honesty I thought I never could evoke emotions until you).
You are living proof that even I, the epitome of defying love, can fall in to that rabbit hole.
the cynical one
*Love letter concept comes from the young adult trilogy "To All The Boys I Have Loved Before" by Jenny Han. Third and last installment releases on May 2nd!
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