With finals just ending, I’m finally (no pun intended) free to use my brain and my time how I’d like. I expected to love this, but have already felt rather lost in my two days post-exams—so I thought I’d take a moment to reflect.

I came to realize that I love finals period.

I’m sorry, what? Did I just think those words? Am I delusional? Intoxicated? Surprisingly not. I thrive during finals period and now I’m stuck in this weird limbo without them; unsure of what to do with myself and my time, purposeless almost.

What am I supposed to do now when I go to a coffee shop and order too many lattes, if not continue to click through endless PowerPoint slides? My Netflix-ing feels undeserved now that it isn’t a chaser for hours of textbook reading. Where’s my focus if not on my exam and study schedule? What happened to the high that comes from finishing another chapter? I’m floundering here.

I’m going to take a leap here and compare this to a relationship. Now that I’ve broken up with college for the summer, I’m not quite sure who I am outside of school and exams. It’s a little scary actually. Did I really commit myself that much to University that I lost pieces of myself? Unfortunately, I have to say yes. But now I have this wonderful, terrifying chance to take the next four months of no classes, and the most free-time I can remember having in years, to re-discover who I am and what I love to do.

Maybe I’ll read more like I used to. Or take up a new dance class. Or another job. Who knows? Certainly not me. While I feel a bit too lost (and bored) for my liking right now, I’m excited to have this time to re-create myself, and am hoping, hoping, hoping, that my newfound self can carry into next semester and not become lost amidst my studies again. It’s too early to know what my balance is yet, but I’m hell-bent on finding it.