Most of us go off to college hoping to find our "true self." It's a great goal - understanding who you are, what drives you, and where you want to be in the far future is a step everyone has to take at some point. We talk about facing ourselves, our fears, our shortcomings, and anything life decides to throw at us on a given day.
For some of us, however, finding our "true self" isn't the doorway to inner peace and success we'd like it to be. It could even be the opposite.
I left for college with high hopes that I would discover who I was meant to be. From that point onward, my life became a balancing act - I had to find the space in my schedule for academics, for a social life, and for the things that helped me recharge my mental batteries - studying and writing about Beowulf is pretty great, but if it's between that and a game of Smash Bros with friends, then you'd better pass me the controller. Three years later, I'm still trying to find the magic formula that will help me live a balanced, healthy life and I suppose that's normal.
Imagine my shock when the "true self" I went off to find at college started looking more and more like the realization of my worst fears.
The person I started to become during my first year at college was a complete mess and I can't say that it wasn't my fault. Most of my failures and character flaws come from poor personal choices; even if I didn't open the door, I chose to step through it. Oddly enough, it was as if my terror at the thought of turning into some cheap knock-off of my parents was pushing me along the path to become just that. To paraphrase a popular and often-overused philosophical quote, when you try to fight the monster, you're more likely to become the monster, and then your life starts to sound like that 1,500-word essay you just wrote on Beowulf a week earlier.
Balance is hard to find, and that's putting it lightly. Doing the math in your head to figure out how many hours you should study versus how many hours you should play is great in theory, but when put into practice, planning it out will only get you so far. The rest is up to you - your choices determine who you are and what sort of face you're going to see when you look in the mirror. If you wake up one day and realize you're not the person you wish you could be, choose to make a change. You are the catalyst for all of the possible futures that await you.
Talk to your friends. Meet with a counselor. Take walks to clear your head. Read the books you've been meaning to read for the past year or two. In the search for your truest self, just remember - you get to face yourself on your own terms.
