When we think about who we are as people, we like to think of what makes us unique. What is it about Lee Winters that separates me from the rest of the world. Sure, humans are all numerically different, but that is so boring.

In philosophy, the technical term is the Essential Property, it shows that there is an essence that keeps us who we are. The search for uniqueness is a search for the essential property. It's an exciting search. Exciting, but full of agony. Many people spend their entire lives trying to find an essential property, and never grasp hold of it. It is an impossible search. Here is my argument:

Let's stop searching. It's not even there.

What if the concept of essential properties is nonexistent. Let's try thinking of the self as just a bundle of impressions. Consider putting everything that makes up the self into a box, and then removing the box. The self is everything that was inside that box, and without the box, there is no single, underlying thing that holds it all together. Importantly, these bundles are ever-changing. Julian Baggini, a modern philosopher, explains that one should shift between thinking of the self as a thing which has all the experiences in life, and thinking of the self as simply that collection of all experiences in life. Paul Broks, a clinical neuropsychologist, says “We have a deep intuition that there is a core, an essence there, and it's hard to shake off, probably impossible to shake off, I suspect. But it's true that neuroscience shows that there is no centre in the brain where things do all come together." Understandably, this is scary. It is uncomfortable to think that there is no part of us that truly makes us who we are. But, having an essential property keeps us trapped, and if humans think of themselves as a kind of changing process, it is liberating. We don't have to worry about staying true to ourselves, because there is nothing to stay true to!

This is an interesting prospect, and it leads to a lot of exciting conclusions. The one I would like to talk about however is the ever-changing aspect. When you become friends with somebody, or when you go to date somebody, what do you look for? Why are you attracted to them? Hopefully not merely physical, maybe it's some quality related to wit, empathy, sociability, kindness. Well, people change, and that's a good thing. If you aren't changing, you are doing something wrong. That's what makes relationships of any type so difficult. Two people, whether friend or more, are constantly toying with who they want to be and how they want to portray themselves. Things happen in life that affect persona and identity, even the other person can affect it.

I admit, no matter how much I wish there was, there is no such thing as a perfect friendship/relationship. There are ups and downs no matter what. When it comes to finding a person we want to spend our time with, we have to find somebody that understands that people aren't always the same. We have different personas that we portray, and although the "real you" may be impossible, you need to find someone who you can be 100% honest with. Someone who understands that you aren't going to be the same. When you befriend someone or when you fall in love with someone, don't expect them to stay the same person six months, nine months, one year, 20 years later. It's really, really hard to find that kind of person, but when you do, it's a great feeling.