There are some that say that men and women as a general rule are not as different as we perceive they are. I will be the first to say that generalizations are dangerous but I disagree wholeheartedly with this assumption. As much as I would like to say that the genders are one and the same, I cannot make such a statement in full confidence. Additionally, I am of course aware that there are far more than two genders amongst humanity, but my current observations are focused on the two cis-genders: female and male. Throughout my nineteen years, I have come across a noticeable gap between the emotional range of men and women. Yes, it's true, difference in hormones does account for some (if not most) of the different ranges of feeling. However, there is a cultural phenomenon that has affected me, and I presume many others, throughout my life. This is the staggering gap between anger and toleration.
Growing up, it was expected of the men in my family to be loud. Sure, some of the women in my family have their own booming voices, but hardly ever have I seen them inclined to anger. This is not the case for the men. It was dismissed when my brother yelled at me about eating the last piece of cake. It was tolerated when my father expressed his frustrations with unwarranted agression. I was raised convinced this behavior was normal. We women were to tolerate rampages. Our men were permitted to go on them.
I never expected that the just-a-bit-too-loud remarks from my father to my mother would affect me so profoundly in my adulthood. I remember clearly the first time my boyfriend raised his voice. It wasn't even in aggression; it was only fueled by simple frustration, but it sent me into a panic. My conditioning from a young age created an anticipation of something more. I expected his yelling to go on. I anticipated his anger seeping into my consciousness until I was weighed down enough to drown. I was blindsided by the paralyzation I felt at a man's raised voice. He was just confused.
My question for our culture is, "Why?" Why must I, as an adult woman, explain to my boyfriend why I am paralyzed in fear towards him? Why must I flinch when he touches me after he's yelled? Why must he be confused and frustrated when I panic when confronting his anger? Why must I re-condition and re-condition myself to tolerate, tolerate, tolerate? Why must he re-condition and re-condition himself to be softer and softer and softer?
My thoughts here are not an accusation to my father nor my brother nor my uncles nor my boyfriend nor any individual man in our society. They are an accusation to the ideals of this culture. We value masculinity. We prostitute femininity. The environment I grew up in molded me to listen, silent, with folded hands to the disgruntled male customer at Starbucks as he railed excessively on the cashier. I cannot begin to count the number of times a group of boisterous boys has caused my female friends and I to walk a little bit faster and come a little bit closer. Additionally, I have never been permitted by my society to feel true anger, so much so that on the very rare occasions that I do feel it, I question myself. Am I being a bitch? Am I just feeling frustrated? Sometimes I can't even identify that what I'm feeling is actual anger. This society has never permitted our boys to calm their anger. I have heard from countless men in my life that they "just don't know how to handle tears." My heart is broken for the loss on both sides. It has caused problems in my relationships of all kinds. It took me years and years to help my father understand why his yelling upset me to greatly. It took painstaking work between my boyfriend and I to equal out. He helped me understand how to deal with my anger and also how to handle my anxiety towards anger from others. I taught him what females have always been taught: to be soft, to be loving, to understand feeling. My work on this problem is nowhere near done, but my understanding and the understanding of others is a start.
My hope for my generation is that we raise our own kids in a beautiful mixture of ideals. I have faith that we will teach our boys and our girls to be soft and to be tough. I have a great hope that we will bring our ideals of overarching peace and love into the hearts of our kids. All our culture needs is a true understanding of each other. As women, we must understand that the men around us were taught wrong, just as we were. We must understand that human beings are all human beings have. There is no place for such a polarization. Give your man some flowers. Give your girl a football. Give them both a flowered football. Through little things, erase misunderstanding.
