One of the few things I am immensely vain about is my impeccable memory and intelligence. My mind has always been filled with ideas and it's constantly at work. I look for the same traits in the people I hold close to me. Underneath all the pride and vanity is the gnawing fear that I will lose it all because so many of my loved ones have.
Alzheimer's is prevalent on my mom's side of the family and I've grown up watching it slowly chip away at the people I love. Both of my great aunts have it, as well as my grandpa. His brother who has passed away had it, and so did his father. All of these people were some of the most detail-oriented people I knew, and remembered everything about all their loved ones, and now, all of that is gone.
My Aunt Sissy doesn't even know who she is anymore. When she looks in the mirror, she has no idea that the skinny woman she looks at is her. She doesn't know who any of us are, but knows she knows us somehow, so she accepts our love and presence. My Aunt Joan doesn't remember if her husband is alive or dead, and, some days, she doesn't even realize she is married.
One of the most devastating moments of my life was when my Uncle Charlie told me he had absolutely no idea who I was. He didn't say it to be mean, but he was so confused as to why I was hugging him the way I did. It takes every part of your strength not to break down and sob at those moments. It's so sad that some of the brightest moments I have with Aunt Joan are the days she actually calls me by my name and knows who I am.
I cherish the days I am Kaitlyn and not my mom or a stranger. Knowing the same thing is going to happen with my grandpa Boo Boo is the most heartbreaking of all. Just knowing that all the love and moments you've had with someone isn't going to stay makes everything feel futile. All the memories you've made together will only stay with you. Watching them get frustrated because they know something isn't right but they don't know what is wrong hurts. Watching your family suffer and knowing you can do absolutely nothing is soul crushing.
I am scared that it will happen to me, that I will lose a vital part of myself and I will hurt the ones I love so much. How can the brain be so treacherous? That's why you'll really only see brain games on my phone. They are supposed to keep the mind active and hopefully ward off the memory loss. My mind is never idle, because I am scared I will lose it. Living with this fear is one of the hardest things I will ever endure. It's the not knowing. I won't know if I have it until it's too late. I am so scared, and I won't stop being scared until I can't remember why I was in the first place.
