In a world where we are constantly judged for every measly thing that we do, why not carry out the judgement onto something near and dear to every sane person's heart: fruit. It may seem trivial to think one fruit is superior to another but I believe that it means so much more. This is my opinion after years and years of careful examination of the fruit species. I have compiled a DEFINITIVE ranking from the most succulent gems to the shriveled disasters of the fruit world. Grab a shiny fork, a perfected spoon, a sharp knife or simply your mouth and dig in.
- WATERMELON
“SUMMER LOVING HAD ME A BLAAAAAST”- this seminal, stainless midsummer classic will always serve as the parallel to the apex of the fruit food chain: watermelon. The juicy and addictive fruit of the heavens (probably) is the absolute culmination of JOY, and you will find yourself eating half of the mammoth melon in the bat of an eye. Refreshing, sweet, and BBQ ready. It brings families together and tears all of its fruity colleagues apart. After all, which fruit was it that Yoncé had, “been drankin’”?
2. STRAWBERRIES
It is the cha cha slide of the fruit world; no matter where you are or what you are doing, you are GOING to join in on the goodness. I can decisively say that I have never met someone who dislikes strawberries, including my brother… who is allergic. The little precious rubies make the best smoothies, gummies, ice cream, and most importantly strawberry. freaking. shortcake. (the dessert and the beautiful children’s show)
3. LEMONS
Now, before I get roasted for putting this sour & almost inedible fruit so high on this list it is vital to think of the power of lemon juice. Drip that stuff in your water at any restaurant and it is instantly transformed from flat to FABULOUS. And, it is the most essential seasoning in any chef’s kitchen, going hand in hand with S & P. And this fruity underdog is the key for the drink of the summer (and title of Queen Bey’s most recent album): Lemonade
4. PINEAPPLE
This fruit, that definitely does not look like a pinecone or an apple, is nature’s candy. Yes, it is one fraction of a Piña Colada, but this Hawaiian harvest is not only wickedly delicious, it is aesthetically pleasing. I have teal shorts, and not one but two shirts plastered with pineapples. I mean the little guys look like cool surfers with spiked 90’s punk hair. Stay radically tubular brotha.
5. APPLES (EXCEPT RED DELICIOUS)
There is a reason that these succulents are placed on a teacher’s desk on the first day of school (even though no one actually does that because what). The granny smith is sweeter than your own grandmother, the yellow delicious is truly delicious, gala apples- more like slay(la) apples, and the mcintosh is sweeter than Posh (the Spice Girl). Apples are overall super solid fruits… except for red delicious- they taste like dirt.
6. BANANAS
As the wise philosopher Gwen Stefani once said,”Let me hear you say this bleep is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S”. But what she should have said was, “Bananas are the bleep!” cus those bleeps are bleeping delicious. With the addition of peanut butter or chocolate bananas become a delicious and unbeatable force. Plus all those vegans or juice cleansers use it as the key ingredient for their protein shakes and “milk”shakes.
7. BLACKBERRIES and RASPBERRIES
These berries, like a girl’s eyebrows, are sister not twins. They are similar but they are both yum-town for different reasons. Raspberries are better when they have something else helping it like a smoothie or some dainty candy. Blackberries slay the tastebuds all by themselves, even though they leave your digits with an unwashable mauve tone for a few days/months/or years tbh.
8. AVOCADO
Season 4, Episode 16 of "Drake & Josh" officially decided once and for all that an avocado is a fruit, and that is what this “alligator pear” is doing on this list. Although it looks like snot it’s s’not bad at all; in fact, it is SUPER refreshing. Some people like eating avocado by itself, but this is at this spot for one reason only: guacamole. One corn chip dipped into a vat of guac instantly transports you into a Cali girl screaming, “ I LOOOVE CHIPOTLE."
9. KIWI
Just like the avocado, the kiwi has gross outside and a verdant interior boomin’ with flavor. Although the surface somewhat resembles a fuzzy gonad (sorry), the actual taste of the fruit is an accumulation of the phrase, “Yas”. Unlike the birds, kiwis can fly you to flavor heaven Get it because kiwis are flightless birds too! Yeah- No- Not my best work.
10. PEACHES and BLUEBERRIES and GRAPES and PEARS
These four seemingly disparate fruits are all tied here because they are all deserving of being in the elite and exclusive top 10 of the ultimate compilation of fruit known to man. So yes, all of these fruits are yum in your tum, but they are not for everyday consumption. They come with their issues too: peaches have pits which suck, blueberries are NOT blue, and grapes and pears are just good.
11. ORANGES (CLASSIC)
Here is where the slippery slope of fruitage begins. Okay I can dabble into some refreshing orange juice, as I believe everyone does, however i have some issue with the fruit itself. How ANNOYING is it that you have to dig my perfectly polished cuticles into an orange’s orange flesh just to get to the fruit. And on top of that, your hands will smell like orange no matter how long you scrub them. Okay they are pretty tasty but if you get the ones with seeds— R.I.P.
12. CANTALOUPE and HONEYDEW
Okay they are FINE, but that is all they will ever be. These poor melons will forever be overshadowed by their far superior (and #1) brother, watermelon. If they are mixed into Meemaw’s fruit salad, yes you will eat them, but they will never be the first pick. You don’t see cantaloupe flavored Jolly Ranchers or honeydew slushies do you? Cantaloupe and honeydew are passionately and painfully nothing but average.
13. COCONUT
Here are the problems with coconuts compiled into a list:
- Do people actually eat these by themselves?
- It is NOT a nut.
- The “milk” is just salty water: false advertising.
- If you need a hammer to open it, it is not worth the effort.
Okay, but pair coconut with some chocolate and all the world’s problems melt away. Slap an almond in there and you are talking about some serious firepower; however, all of this doesn’t make up for the rock hard weapon that is the coconut.
14. CHERRIES
In the fast-paced and active world that the humanity lives in, full of school days, extracurriculars, employment opportunities, articles to write, tv shows to watch, fruits to eat, and sleeping to sleep, so it is easy to become swamped and overindulged in responsibilities. So I only have one thing to say one cherries expect me to REMOVE THEIR PITS:
15. POMEGRANATE
This fruit expects way to much of me for what it is delivering, that’s for sure, all the while, half of this thick produce is inedible. How DARE, pomegranates make me waste 15 minutes simply cutting, and all that they are bringing to the table is a surplus of seeds with all of the crunch and and only an inkling of flavor. They do make good Tootsie Pops though.
Too bad no one is cheering for you pomegranate. No one.
16. THE REST OF THE ORANGE FAMILY
- i.e. blood oranges, mandarine, tangerines
These fruits are equivalent to Arthur Kardashian. Don’t know who he is? Exactly. They tend to stay out of the limelight and bask in the bliss of irrelevancy. They get bought at your local Kroger only once every eon, or whenever Aunt Karen is trying out a zesty knew recipe she found on Pinterest. The only one that I have ever tasted was mandarine oranges floating in a pool of syrup and sugar, so even then, I still can’t tell you what it tastes like? Can anybody out there?
17. LIMES
Limes are the equivalent to little Jimmy getting picked dead last for gym class dodgeball. Ain’t nobody snackin’ on a lime. They can season some ethnic dishes but the hassle of purchasing limes can easily be avoided by using its sexy cousin the lemon. Overall, it serves about as much purpose as a fly swatter, you buy it expecting to use it all the time, but really you use it once and forget all about it.
18. RAISINS and CRANBERRIES
Unless they are delicately intertwined with trail mix, I am not here for these dried ditties, especially when it is camouflaged as a beautiful and brilliant chocolate chip cookie. And, to the inventor of raisin bread, I would like a solemn email of apology for making that thing that DEFINITELY is not the best thing since sliced bread. Nope.
19. TOMATOES
WE GET IT, A TOMATO IS A FRUIT. AND NO KETCHUP IS NOT A SMOOTHIE. MAKE IT STOP. But, truly I can not think of one food besides a tomato that is garbage, by itself. People that snack on toms are people whom I would very much like to not associate with. As a big advocator for marinara sauce and fries dolloped with ketchup, I will still, until the day I die, loathe the idea of eating this fruit raw.
21. PRUNES
What? Ew. No… Anything that helps Pap Pap poop is not something that I wish to put in my mouth.
22. GRAPEFRUIT
There I was, on my school’s trip to New York City, staying in a lavish and comfortable Hampton Inn, about to indulge in my complimentary continental breakfast. and I audibly say, “Is grapefruit good?" A devious and disgusting grapefruit-loving stranger among the crowd says kindly, “Yes just sprinkle some brown sugar on it and it’s delicious!” I did as instructed and took my first bite… I was appalled, revolted, repulsed, repelled, nauseated, and as my lips sour pucker furrowed into a wrinkle of repugnance, I threw that half of a grapefruit away… What kind of a MANIAC eats this vile mix between no and gross? No amount of sugar can reverse the awful taste that is: the devil’s crop (as I have officially coined it). I could add in a hundred more fruit and grapefruit would still be dead last. I heard it was Hitler’s favorite fruit. Also, rumor has it, the apple in the Garden of Eden was really a grapefruit. It makes world hunger actually worse. It is definitively the WORST fruit (sorry grapefruit lovers).
P.S. if you have any grievances or arguments with this list feel free to comment them- unless you like grapefruit, because you are wrong
