Good Morning, wake up, its time to go to class are all the indirect messages your alarm rings back as it tries to rip you from your warm sheets into the cold world. You snooze once, again, and maybe once more. You think if today was anything like the past 3 weeks, there is not a chance you’re ready to face the day. These three weeks have been the definition of a normal start to any Sophomores classes, yet living inside your brain its not that easy. Everyday you have to find some inner strength to get out of bed, not because you want to spend the whole day wrapped in your bed, yet because it’s the only place you feel safe. The place where you find yourself the happiest. Yet many people find their happiness within their bed linked with a significant other beside them, yet for you its not the case. Your loneliness eats you alive, but makes you feel sane simultaneously.
Finally, you’re awake, trying your best to find the clothes you would want to wear yet you begin to wear clothes that are more presentable. No one will know what’s going on inside your head if you at least look put together. No one will question the fake smile or laugh that doesn’t sound quite like your own. You start with make-up, looking at your reflection in the mirror wondering when you started thinking so poorly of yourself or when people began to lying to you saying “Flawless, perfect, beautiful” as it echoed on every post of you. Is that all people cared about nowadays? Why don’t people ever comment on things like “You look so happy”, as that would make me smile more than artificial comments.
You take a look at the clock, you have time to eat, and lately its your only escape route from the world we are living. Food has been helping make you momentarily happy in front of Durham. You suffer eating alone because you would rather think to yourself then make up some bull shit conversation to a classmate who you only associate with because they sit next to you in one pointless class. You eat more calories than you probably should, and immediately regret every decision after you walked into the dinning hall.
Class, where you space out for 120 minutes writing the notes, only to fill an empty seat in a 200-person lecture so the teacher doesn’t rant to my classmates about how no one ever shows up to their class. You start dozing off, looking at people around the room. How did they become friends? Oh I have that person on fb, how does she always want to go out? Etc. Your thoughts fill up head, as your brain begins to overload, and you need to blink to restart the thought process.
Work, the only thing that allows you to feel like you’re accomplishing anything to relay back to your mom that you were productive that day. 3 hours, with a small pay seems insignificant, but maybe one of the only thing that helps. With a day shift at a local fast-food restaurant notorious for its late night food, it is extremely slow and your shift goes by in a heart beat. You head back to your room, as your books pile on your bed, your planner fills up in the seconds yet the loudest call you acknowledge is your bed. If fills the void in your day that you were dreaming about the second you left. Your only separation is the idea of food and a hot shower. You end your days early, your visitation with friends you once were very close too is now limited, and your going out days can be counted on one hand. You soon find excuses for why you chose to stay in on a pool outing, or a party, or a date. My stomach hurts, I have a bad headache, a lot of homework, early class, really tired as these are like an automated voicemail where my friends are the ones calling trying to wake the inner me up from my hibernation.
Everything I care about doesn’t seem to matter. My grades, my articles, my extra curriculum, I begin to miss meetings, deadlines, etc. and yet I can’t find the person I once was. The happy energetic human, but maybe, just maybe, I’ll find her. Until then, you can find me in my bed.
