Whatever you think you know, however you think you learned, it’s always only ever been half of the story.
xxx
He tells you, "I followed her for a week before I worked up the nerve to ask her out."
That’s the whole story - beginning, middle, end - all neatly wrapped up in one little sentence.
There’s a happy ending, so it’s sweet.
There’s no need for words like stalker.
Creep.
Pervert.
No one mentions how it could have been, had she not been interested.
Had he been more forceful.
You only hear that he was successful.
He got the girl.
Isn’t that life's purpose anyway?
You’ve been hearing it your whole life.
My other half.
The way people say it with such convicting simplicity is enough to convince you of its truth.
You, alone, are not a whole.
You, alone, are not important.
You, alone, are nothing but a failure.
Humans are not meant to live their lives without company.
You start questioning everything.
You ask:
Am I a failure?
Am I a freak?
Am I even human?
You begin to obsess.
You check things off in neat little boxes until you find someone you might want to color outside the lines with.
It doesn't matter that you've never met.
It doesn't matter that she doesn't know your name.
It doesn't matter if she doesn't notice you right away.
Given time, she'll learn to love you.
xxx
It starts innocent.
Curiosity gets the better of you.
You're not making her uncomfortable if she doesn't know you're there.
You watch from outside the window when she dances.
You think she would look nice with her hair down.
You start compiling the reasons you could love her.
You start compiling the reasons she should already love you.
It's all very logical.
You've got a neat little list in the back of your mind.
She'll make a list too.
Hers will be even better.
xxx
It’s nearly two weeks before you approach her.
In retrospect, it probably wasn’t your smartest move to call her by name within the first breath.
She looks confused and startled, and you have to remind yourself that it’s her first time seeing you.
You quietly remind yourself that love takes time.
You ask her to dinner.
When she refuses you’re left floundering, because you’ve been preparing for this for weeks.
Shouldn’t she have some respect and just say yes?
You tell her this, and you’re only being honest, but she looks outraged.
Like she has any right, when you’re the one who’s wasted so much time.
You watch her walk away and take a few breaths, then go back home to regroup.
xxx
You stay up all night, thinking and overthinking, trying to come up with a solution.
You’ve never been a quitter, so giving up now isn’t an option.
You’re invested.
You don’t invest in just anyone.
You don’t waste your time on wasted people.
She’s got some value, if you can get her on board.
Besides, she owes you now.
You already bought her favorite flowers.
Sure, you haven’t given them to her yet, but she’s been difficult.
You can always try again tomorrow.
xxx
You’re starting to feel trapped.
She’s got you in this vicious cycle you can’t seem to escape.
She wants you to suffer now, clearly.
And you are.
You’re suffering and enduring, all for her.
She rejects you again and again - you can hear the way her laughter is starting to change.
You know how she sounds when she’s feeling carefree.
This is different - she’s mocking you.
She’s not taking you seriously.
You’ve tried three times already, and she keeps saying no.
Now she’s pretending to have a boyfriend, just to keep you on edge.
You don’t mind playing hard to get.
But this is getting a little ridiculous.
She even said something about the police last time you spoke.
It’s not funny anymore.
You have a life to get on with.
You can’t spend all your time playing games with her.
xxx
You find her by her car after her dance class gets out.
She’s always the last one to leave, so this is the perfect chance to talk to her alone.
Maybe in the dark she’ll be a little less insecure.
She’ll tell you about what she’s really feeling, for sure.
Tonight is the night.
Everything will be okay.
xxx
You’re not sure how it happened.
You don’t really remember much of it at all.
You were waiting by her car when she came out.
When she turned to walk away you grabbed her.
She was supposed to talk to you.
But she started screaming for help instead.
Why did she need help?
It doesn’t make any sense.
You were there.
You would have kept her safe from anything.
But she wouldn’t stop screaming.
She started hitting you.
She didn’t want to listen and you had to make her stop.
It’s all her fault anyway.
There’s no way they can blame you.
But you have to make sure.
xxx
You’ve seen it in movies a few times.
You’ve got a pretty good idea about what you’re doing.
You just didn’t expect her to be so heavy.
It seems like she should just sink on her own, given how tired your arms already are.
You haven’t even carried her far.
The river is right behind the ballet school.
It’s kind of hard to tie rocks to someone’s feet with the ribbon from pointe shoes.
You hope you’ll never have to do this again as she sinks below the water’s surface.
She really shouldn’t have screamed.
xxx
You lie in bed and think back to the beginning.
You miss her already, but you have her hair tie.
It’s not much, but it’s enough to remember her by.
You put it in the drawer with the others.
You go back to your checklist.
