Have you ever wanted to scream, for no reason, in public? Well I have, but before you close the article and dial 911, let me explain: I had this unexplainable urge one day to scream, I'm not sure why, but as I walked down the sunny pavement covered with fellow students, it took everything within me to hold myself back from screaming. I couldn't understand the reasoning then, it was just a strong feeling I had. My friends thought I was crazy when I told them. I thought I was crazy too. Recently however, I discovered the root behind my unnatural urge, which was something that has hindered me from experiencing intimacy and care for others for years- loneliness.
This revelation of mine came quite recently. Some time ago I was having a party at my house with some of my close friends. When the party was over, one of my best friends stayed with me for several hours and we talked, had a pipe and really connected. While we were talking, I checked my SnapChat, and noticed a girl I liked back in high school had viewed all the stories I had posted, which were posted late into the night. I immediately began wondering if she liked me, and if she was the one, and even began planning our future together as husband and wife. Yes, I know, that is crazy. But I was not crazy, I just felt I was missing something in my life. I had developed an unhealthy habit of seeking false intimacy through leading girls (or myself) on into thinking we had a future together. However, once my friend left, and I had some time to myself to think, a terrifying thought filled my mind: "I am all alone." I wasn't just physically alone, I felt internally alone in that moment, separated from people, as if no one in the world truly knew me, or ever could.
For a moment I was confused, and scared even. My lunacy began to make sense to me; the desperate search for an intimate relationship was because I was scared no one would ever be able to truly know me. Sure, people liked me and were impressed by me. If you have looked through my social media accounts or knew the "Actor Me (Hayden)" I send out to do my stunts, then I'm sure you would be, hopefully, impressed. But I realized that in order to seem impressive on the outside, I sacrificed intimacy - letting people see into me. Impressiveness is a cheap substitute for intimacy. I realized the reason I felt the need to find a mate ASAP, and the reason I needed to impress people, is because I was lonely. Before this moment I had a talk with another one of my best friends who told me, "Man, you seem to have everything going for you. I mean, compared to you I feel like, well... a loser". He couldn't have been any further from the truth. I felt alone, and disconnected from people. I could not stand the feeling. It was so bad one day I felt I needed to scream! I wanted to scream out, "Notice me! Know me! Stop being my fans and start being my friends!" And now I just sat in my apartment, alone, lonely.
I looked up to acknowledge God, "Why do I feel so alone God?" I knew God was in the room, he was always with me, and I even knew he lived inside of me, so why should I feel alone? "Why do I feel so alone God??..." I searched desperately for an answer. I soon felt in my spirit God say to me, "because you need love."
It was true, I didn't feel loved. My relationships consisted of "followers" and not friends. I had people impressed with me but not intimate with me. On top of that, I could not get enough love from the people in my life who offered it to me. I sucked any romantic relationship I could have dry through desperately trying to get affirmation through my "impressive" actor, and even my loving friendships didn't satisfy me. "God," I said, "Shouldn't your love be enough? I know you love me." I waited, and then God hit me with the answer to my loneliness, to my lack of love, it was not that I wasn't loved by God, it was that I didn't love myself. This realization struck me at the heart, and inside I bawled like a baby. No wonder I felt so alone! I never thought anyone could intimately and truly love me because even I didn't love myself. I was doomed to be forever alone as long as I felt loveless. It's not until we learn to unconditionally love and accept ourselves that we can freely love others and receive love from others.
"How do I fix this loneliness God?" I was hoping for a three step process that I could easily apply to my life and share with others, but God doesn't always work that way. He did give me his solution though: Family. Family is the key to loving yourself and ending loneliness. Family starts with the father. We first must realize that God is our dad, and he loves us. When we acknowledge that our dad is the King, we realize that we are princes and princesses and can see our created value. One song that I listen to constantly, to remind me of my value as a child of father God, is "Priceless" by For King and Country. Here is the link- https://youtu.be/pPgSrMOTnqM.
Once we know the father and our value as his children, we can start loving ourself and spread that value to others.
" A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land." - Psalm 68:5-6
We also receive family from others who know their God-given value. If you have not had the fortune of being friends with someone who realizes their value, then you must make it a priority to find these people. When people realize their own value, they will be able to recognize yours. Surrounding yourself with people who encourage and confirm the value you have will help you to value yourself, which will in turn help you to value others. Through realizing the value God placed on my life, I have been able to love myself. I no longer feel lonely. I no longer feel the need to impress others because I love who I am created to be, so I am free to just be me. I no longer feel I must have a wife to be loved and known; I know my papa (what I like to call God) has given me my value, and I don't need a lady to fulfill me. This gives me the freedom to give love and value to my future wife, without needing it back. This gives me the freedom to add value and love to people every day of my life!
People want to be seen, to be known. They are screaming for it, "See me! Look past this act, and see ME!" Once we learn to accept our God-given identities as children of the king, we can drop the act of being impressive and start seeing past others' acts as well. Let us refuse to see who people portray themselves as and see the value our father, God, gave them, is priceless. Together we can love ourselves and each other and end loneliness.
