The words "I'm sorry but we're done" stared back at me on a glowing screen. My mind raced with responses but just as I considered replying, I stopped myself. I realized the conversation that was about to ensue wouldn't be remotely worth it. Instead of firing back, I set my phone down and let it go. My mind began to wander to all the things I could've or should've said but didn't.
Then, my thoughts moved beyond the current situation, and I reflected on all the interactions I'd had when I could've or should've said something but chose not to. The conversations I think we can all relate to but never actually had.
I thought about the people who wronged or hurt me in the past. Only sometimes did I take the time to genuinely stand up for myself. Other times, I felt it wasn't worth putting up the fight or sparking unnecessary drama. Silently moving on and forgetting about them seemed like the most fitting reaction. Too bad many of them deserved to hear how I truly felt just as I deserved to tell them.
I thought about the day-to-day interactions too (or sometimes lack of) and realized so much more could be said. For example, when you see that person from class that you solely speak to in class walking toward you on campus. You don't know why but you act busy on your phone to avoid eye contact and saying hello. As if the classroom is the only place you're allowed to converse. Or when you superficially ask a friend how it's going instead of taking the time to actually ask how they are doing. You know everyone is dealing with something and sometimes all it takes is a five minute conversation of listening to your friend vent. Better yet, it could've been a complete stranger whose outfit you appreciated but decided not to saying anything. You never know but that seemingly meaningless compliment to you could have made his or her day.
Finally, I thought about the more important conversations we all should've had. Like taking a moment to simply say, "thank you" to all the people who have helped us along the way. Mustering up the courage to tell the people who we're randomly reminded of that we were just thinking about them hoping they're doing well. And maybe by letting them know we were thinking about them it will make them think about us too, even if just for a second. The conversations with distant friends who at times we wish weren't distant anymore. That maybe a conversation about missing them could somehow bring them back into our lives. Apologizing to the friend we've been fighting with because it's been so long we can't even remember what we were arguing about in the first place. Letting the people who briefly walk into our lives know that it was genuinely nice to meet them. Reaffirming how much we love our best friends and family by saying "I love you" more often. Overcoming our fears and openly admitting that despite the distance and lack of communication, we miss someone. All it takes is second to change everything and admit, "I miss you." Or the conversations we never had with the person who seems to occupy our heart the most. We entertain countless scenarios of confessing exactly how we feel and even imagine them telling us they feel the exact same. And even if they don't, we imagine how great it would feel to tell them so they can know how special they are, especially to us.
It seems that in all of these conversations we never had we have an heir of confidence in ourselves. We aren't afraid to be completely honest with the other person. After the conversation is set and done we feel so much better for finally saying what's been on our minds all along.
I realize that the conversations I never had with people will be an ongoing thing. I'm always going to wish I spoke up more to people who pass by, talk deeper with people I barely know who could become closer, share my feelings with the ones I care about, and not be afraid to say too much instead of too little. In the heat of the moment some conversations seem worth it. In moments of intense emotion, we want to say it all but oftentimes fall short of what we're trying to say.
In the end, I think we should stop thinking about the conversations we never had. Instead, we should start having these conversations.
