It was hard growing up with two older brothers. It was good and bad. They were always there for you to protect you if someone messed with you, but as far as finding a boyfriend. That was a joke. Always being the chubby friend was hard too.
I am not looking for pity it's just stating a fact. As the years have gone on and looking back at old photos and thinking in that photo I knew I thought I was fat but in reality, i looked beautiful. I let myself get into my own head and think I was never good enough. I searched and searched for acceptance of a man to validate I was beautiful enough that someone else could possibly want me. In all that time all I had to do was accept and love myself.
I had high hopes in high school of wanting affection from the gorgeous jock boy who in reality never knew I existed. I wanted my friends to see me as competition when I knew I wasn't. I wanted my size 2 friends who all are so beautiful (even to this day) to want to be proud of me. As weird as that sounds, it was true. I just knew I was the funny outgoing girl who knew how to make my friends laugh.
Guys would never see me in a romantic way and my friends loved me because I was always trying to be funny. Let's face it, I am pretty funny. Looking back I should have never compared myself to my friends and I should never have sold myself so short. I AM Beautiful. I AM worthy. If I could go back and tell myself to love myself and screw anyone else who didn't think I was worthy.
After high school, I did go through trials of being hard on myself because I could not find a boyfriend. I constantly thought it was because of my weight or I wasn't pretty enough. I joined dating websites in hopes of finding someone who would accept me, but looking back I never fully accepted myself. I constantly thought well if I lose weight maybe I will find someone. Maybe then someone will want to date me.
It wasn't until I found my husband that I knew I was worthy of love all along.
I remember first talking to my husband and sending pictures back and forth and how he kept telling me how gorgeous I was. I couldn't believe it. I remember warning him that I was a "bigger" girl just to prepare him so he wouldn't be disappointed with what he was going to see. When I first laid eyes on my husband I knew I had found the love of my life. He looked at me like no one has ever seen me before. From that first date, we have been together ever since. Literally, we met on a Thursday and by that Sunday we were a couple. I joke to this day and said I locked it down.
I am grateful to my husband for loving all of me. Every day, he has shown me how to love myself and be comfortable in my own skin. I still struggle with my weight but that wasn't the reason for not having a boyfriend in high school. It was because I never loved myself enough to tell those boys to screw off. They missed out not me. I am pretty hilarious, off the wall a hell of a good time girl. Just ask my husband.It could be in the middle of a night time feeding with hair on top of my head, baby puke on my shirt, no pants on and he will stop in the hallway just to look at me and say "You are so beautiful". That to me is worth every heartache and struggle I faced with myself. It is what I deserve to have a husband and I am thankful for him each day.
So to the "chubby" girl struggling in high school. Who feels like if they lose the weight they will find someone. To the girl who thinks no one will ever love or accept them. He IS out there. Don't give up. Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself you ARE worth it. You ARE beautiful. One day you will find a man who every day makes your heart skip. Who makes you feel like the wait of finding him was so worth it. Accept yourself, be who want to be and do not care what others think. The only thing that matters is how you feel. If you love yourself someone else will love you too.
