At times there are moments I feel I should hate you, at times I miss you, and times I still think about all the things we went through. You're the boy who changed it all for me, the good the bad and everything else in between. When they say "you will always love your first love" they are so right. Even with all the wrong you've done, I will always love you. I will always love the kisses you left on my forehead, the way you hand fit in mine, the way your hair would lay around your hat, the memories you gave me all the good, all the bad and all the in between

I want you to know I forgive you for every hurtful word, every harsh grab, every vengeful thing you did, I forgive you. I can never hate you, I may not understand why I was not enough for you, why there were other girls, why lying is okay, why grabbing was your thing but I can grow to accept it that it was you then.

You've changed me in more than words can describe. You broke me down to the bone. You showed me the deepest things I've hated about myself with every "loose weight," "get a bigger butt," "put on makeup," "go tanning" and "make that tummy tighter." Every time you cut me down, I cut myself down more. This is never your fault, but it was mine. It was mine for letting it happen, my fault for letting you control how I felt about myself. I loved you unconditionally and that's all I wanted from you, but I never realized until now your conditions seemed to change me and who I was. Every time you grabbed me it scared me... you were always so strong. I should've pushed you off, but I could never find the way to get you away because for that second I kept your attention. The whole time I needed your attention, but it was with other girls. I'm sorry I was not enough. Know that I tried. All I wanted was for you to love me and see me the way I saw you... perfect. I no longer see you as perfect, but I see you as a person you were. I wish I had the strength to leave after the first girl, the first bad name, the first rude comment, but I could never get myself to tell you "I'm done." You changed me you showed me to love less than I do, to stop changing myself, to walk away when I know I should, you showed me there's deeper issues than I realized, you've made me conscious of my own self, so for that I thank you.

Know for the next girl you make yours that you need to not make her feel the way i did when you were mad, don't tell her she's fat (she'll never forget it) don't tell her it's all her fault she is the way she is, because trust me she already feels that way, never tell her she's not the most beautiful girl because she will always feel not enough. Shell grow to hate herself because of your words, she'll feel her worth slip away and question who she is. Love her the ways you didn't love me. Accept days her hair won't fall straight, she'll get pimples and maybe she'll gain weight — accept it because that's all she'll look for. You tore me apart and no one should feel the way i have so treat her right, love her right, do it all for her. For the girls leave them behind when you meet her, don't go to a party and hook up with a girl, don't break up with her and hook up with someone else, because it will eat her alive day by day. Everything you've done is okay now. Take these as lessons and move on and grow up and love her hard. For me? Ill focus on repairing me first. I'll be stronger than I was with you, i'll be able to defend myself, I'll have the courage to leave.

Thank you for the love, the lessons, the times you talked me out of life ending moments, the tears, the gifts, the experience of a lifetime. Thank you for changing me.

Love Always,

Taylor