To the boy who made me lose myself,
I could be angry. I could hate you. I could resent you. But I do not have any of these feelings toward you. I want to thank you.
You made realize that sacrificing my self worth for someone else's happiness was not what was actually best for me. I ended so many friendships because you did not like that I was friends with so many guys. You constantly accused me of cheating on you with one of them. You would constantly ask me why they were texting me or Snapchatting me. I got so tired of having to explain myself to you that I just decided it was best to sacrifice the friendships for you. Oh was I wrong.
Everything started out so well and I thought that you could be someone that I could be with for the rest of my life. You treated me like a princess. Treated me in every way that I imagined to be treated by a guy. You destroyed me little by little so I would not notice it. Everyone around me saw the change. I would make excuses for why you were the way that you were with me. Everyone continued to look out for me and would only intervene when they thought there was something seriously wrong, and even then I would blow it off.
When I went off to college is when it got a lot worse. I was not allowed to be out late with friends because you would get upset if I did not call you every night. I was not allowed to go out on the weekends because you did not want a guy hitting on me, even if I did not act on it. I could not hang out with guy friends alone because you always assumed that they would try to steal me from you. I had to check in with you and if I did not text you back right away you would blow up my phone, even after I told you I was studying. You did not like when I wore leggings or pants that were tight on my butt because you did not want other guys looking at it. You did not want me wearing certain things when you were not with me because you did not want other guys to look at me and try anything with me. I sacrificed so much for you that looking back now I should not have.
It took me until the fall semester of my junior year of college (I was with you since summer between my junior and senior year of high school) to realize that this was not right for me anymore. I was finding myself spending more time in the library and telling you that I needed to study because my grades needed me to do it. You would get mad, but I told you from the beginning that my education comes first no matter what. I would tell you that I was at the library when I was actually hanging out with friends because I knew that that was the only thing that would get you to not get mad about me not calling you. I know that sounds so bad, but I needed to escape.
I was tired of you accusing me of cheating on you because I was with guys all the time or because I was not responding right away. I was tired of feeling trapped. I was tired of not feeling like myself anymore. You crossed the line one too many times and I had finally had enough. I needed to better myself and care about myself first because it had been so long since I had done that. I needed to breakout of the shell you put me in. The emotional abuse had become too much for me and I was feeling lost. I had to do something.
I broke out of that shell and finally felt like myself again. My friends called me out on the change. I was getting asked at least ten times a day if I was okay or if there was something wrong with me. All the people at school finally saw the real me. That was a true wake up call. Even friends who I have not seen since high school graduation called me out for changing. Those were the wake up calls I needed to realize that being with you was in fact not healthy for me anymore. Yes, you did me wrong in so many ways, but you also did me right in a couple of ways.
You made me realize that I need to focus on me more than anything. You taught me to not to continuously sacrifice my happiness for someone else. You showed me that someone that is so uncomfortable with me being friends with guys and makes me cut them out that they are not confident in themselves or trusting of the person that they are with not to jeopardize the relationship. So thank you for showing me all the things that I do not want to relive in another relationship. Thank you for breaking me down, so I could build myself back up...actually no, I do not thank you for that because it has been one of the hardest things for me to do. Thank you for helping me realize what I truly deserve in life. Thank you for opening my eyes to how much I truly changed for you.
The girl that is finding herself again