An Open Letter To The Boy I Couldn't Love But Did Anyways

An Open Letter To The Boy I Couldn't Love But Did Anyways

I hope this letter one day finds you well, D.

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When I met you, I knew there was something about you that was special. You were probably the billionth guy I've crushed on but you somehow made a big impact in my life. Every time I was around you, you would make my heart beat so fast yet I always felt comfortable around you. I was always my weird self and I didn't have to change anything about myself to impress you. You appreciated the fact that I was genuine and was apparently you saw me as a really "amazing person".

And like you once confessed to me at 1 AM, I also felt like I have known you my whole life.

You made me laugh, cry, even hate you at times, but the worst thing you did was make me love you.

You were about to leave to serve our country and moved to California to start fresh prior to leaving. You didn't need my validation for this journey you were about to embark on but I know you wanted me to support you. I did support you and still do. You're following your dreams and that is the best thing you could do for yourself.

You leaving to follow your dreams did not hurt me as much as you hurt me by not saying goodbye before leaving.

Not getting a farewell as you were leaving to chase your dreams felt like I didn't matter. That I was no one of importance to your life. I was just another person passing by.

I didn't want you to risk your career for me, wait for me until you came back, nor was I gonna do the same because I understood that the timing was bad for both of us but all I wanted was a simple goodbye.

All I wanted was to see you one last time until you would come back home just in a few years. I wanted to remain friends and to see you when you came to visit and I prayed that things would be like old times.

You told others that you would miss me once you would leave and after all of this, I don't think that you meant it whatsoever.

You also told others that you didn't want to hurt me by trying to pursue something further than the great friendship we had, yet you hurt me so much.

I didn't want to tell you that I had feelings for you because I did not want to ruin that friendship we had because I figured that I would get over you but you made me fall hard for you, which made it harder to get over you.

I wanted you in my life for good and I did not wanna risk losing you if we began dating. I didn't care if you liked me back in a romantic way or not because all I cared is being in your life.

I could tell you had a hunch about me liking you and on Valentine's Day, two months prior your departure, you found out thanks to our gossipy coworkers.

Valentine's Day was also the last time you gave me a hug and we had a lengthy conversation. After that day, you grew distant and I did everything I could to avoid that. I tried to make plans with you but you'd always make an excuse on why you couldn't make it.

Even the day before you left, I tried making plans to get coffee with you but all you did was ignore my text. I stupidly cried the next day because I knew you were gone.

I remember that day so well and it haunts me here and there. It was during finals week and I had a presentation to do that day, which was hard to do when you were all I could think about. My mind was filled with things I thought I did wrong to push you away before you left. I was a massive emotional mess but after hours of crying, I pulled myself together and managed to get an A on that presentation.

It's been almost two years since I last saw you and if I saw you today, I don't know what I would do or say. So here's this letter I was too scared to send you while you were in training. I hope one day we can be friends again but in the meantime, I hope this letter finds you well.

EDIT: On December 24, 2018, I finally saw you for the first time after almost two years. I was having Christmas Eve breakfast with my family and little did I expect you to be in the same damn restaurant as me. You sat less than ten feet away from me and I could feel you staring at me. I didn't have the courage to look at you because if I did make eye contact with you, I would have cried. I wanted to talk to you but I didn't have that courage to do so because I wouldn't know where to begin. I wish you had made the effort to say hello but I know we left off in a weird way but I hope there is a next time because I miss your friendship dearly.

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To My Boyfriend's Mom

He loves you more than you could ever imagine...
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Without you, there would not be a him, so first things first, thank you.

1. Thank you for teaching him to love a woman the right way, to put God first, and YOU before me always, the respect he shows you is so attractive, and you deserve it.

He talks about you like you hung the moon, I don't doubt for a second that he will be an amazing father one day, I owe all of that to you.

2. Thank you for giving me a chance, learning to love me when you knew your son was doing the same.

I can't speak for my own first impressions, but hopefully mine was not THAT bad...when we both slapped him on the arms for his rude remark at the same time, I knew our relationship was already blossoming.

SEE ALSO: Finding A Husband In College

3. Thank you for every meal you have ever purchased me.

And chocolate, and candy...you know just as well as your son does that food is the way to my heart. Especially Taco Bell and cheesecake ;)

4. Thank you for your advice, suggestions, and opinions...and asking for mine

Whether it's telling me to slap him for being a smart a$$, or you're asking me about color swabs for your kitchen makeover, you come to me as if I am your own, and I am so honored to give you my own input.

5. Thank you for including me

You never fail to leave a spot for me, and I love family dinners/outings with you guys just as much as I love my own!

6. Thank you for teaching your son to never give up, and that if he does it is only to better himself, or it's the only choice he has left.

He is so focused on his future, he wants the best for himself, and he is constantly reminding me that these are things that YOU taught him, you deserve to be so proud.

7. Thank you for letting him love my family, and allowing me to love yours.

He is so loyal and loving to my family, and I don't even have to ask myself why because I see him with you and yours. Thank you for letting us double up on holidays when we can, and making sure we get the most out of our time with you!

8. Thank you for being his best friend.

I think of him as mine too, but I couldn't think of a better person to also hold that title, you know him better than anyone else and you always will.

9. Thank you for teaching him how to treat a woman

He is constantly telling me "You sound like my mother." Thankfully earlier in our relationship, he told me that the woman he wants to be with, should do just that. He always tells people who try, "No, no one calls me by my full name except my mom and my girlfriend."

10. Thank you for your honesty

We all know that he and I can drive you crazy sometimes, thank you for telling us like it is, and making sure we know you still love us anyways.

SEE ALSO: 8 Tiny Lies Every Young Woman Has Told Their Best Friend

11. Thank you for teaching him to work as hard as possible in anything and everything he does.

I have never met anyone with such a desire for success, he and I are constantly discussing how we can better our futures, and I know exactly where his drive comes from.

12. Thank you for teaching him to clean up after himself

Even though sometimes, it takes him a minute to do so.

13. Thank you for teaching him how to love, and letting him love me.

I have never felt so loved by a man, probably because anyone else who came into my life was just a boy. Thank you for your unconditional love for him, he is your entire heart and that is so easy to see, I am happy to share his with you.

You and I both know that even years from now we will both occasionally probably be closing the fridge that he left open, cleaning the crumbs he dropped, demanding he take a shower after playing soccer, or reminding him 20 times about plans we made weeks ago, we both share such a great love for such an amazing man. I could never be more thankful that you brought forth into this world such a comforting, supportive, protective, steadfast, driven, handsome, and hilarious guy. Thank you for everything you do for him, for me, and for us, I love you a lot!

Cover Image Credit: casey

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4 Signs That You Might Be A Pushover In Your Relationship

There's a fine line between being considerate and overly-accommodating in a relationship, here are some signs to help you determine which side of the line you're on.

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While most of us consider ourselves independent individuals who are secure enough to maintain our own values while respecting someone else's, the difference between being flexible and completely bending to a romantic partner's will can be a slippery slope.

Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean that everything the two of you disagree on suddenly disappears. There are times when you'll have to occasionally make concessions in order to reach a solution, but you should never be the one to relent every on every issue. If you're not sure about how you stand in your relationship here are few signs that you may be a dating pushover.

1. You let them set the pace of the relationship

It can be hard to know if things are moving at a normal speed, especially if you're new to relationships. If you feel like things are moving too quickly or like the two of you aren't on the same page and choose to ignore it because the other person is content with where you are, then you're not giving your own feelings enough consideration. A relationship is not just about one person's emotions, disregarding the ones you're unsure about to avoid making waves doesn't make you peacekeeper, it makes you a pushover.

2. Your lack of an opinion is replaced by theirs

It's okay not to have an opinion on every issue plaguing our society at the moment, but it's not okay to allow your partner to declare a stance for you. If you're having a conversation with friends and politics are being broached and your S/O prefaces their statement with "We think," -knowing darn well that you don't have anything to say about Trump's administration and they think he's the best thing since Netflix started streaming "Friends"- and you don't interject with your true feelings, then you've just let them know that their preferences are more important than yours.

3. You conform to the way they see you

People are multifaceted and complex beings. While Tinder may ask you to describe yourself by a handful of defining characteristics to better match you with a mate, you are more than just "quiet" and "indoorsy". If you find yourself with someone who reduces you to labels that complement them, chances are that the more you're around them the more you'll start to only identify yourself by those labels as well. When you conform to the 2-dimensional image that someone else has of you, you lose parts of your identity and become a social chameleon.

4. You alter your dreams to fit into theirs

It's exciting to picture your life with someone you care and are serious about. Of course, you have to make some configurations in order for things to work for the both of you, but there has to be an equal amount of compromise for it to be healthy. If you're working towards a degree that would open doors for you to meet new people and have new experiences but your S/O has dreams to get settled sooner rather than later and makes you feel like you're overreaching in your life, don't abandon your vision for something that would fit into theirs.

Being a pushover does not mean you're a weak person. I don't think anyone sets out with the intent to be a chameleon dater. Sometimes it happens gradually, two people start off in a relationship thinking that they're compatible and then one person grows more comfortable and their will and opinions turn out to be stronger than the other persons'. Other times, you just make a poor judgment call and try to make things work with someone that wasn't meant for you.

If you find yourself to be a pushover in your relationship and you're unhappy about it, you can change. Take some time to learn about yourself and figure out what you want and who you want to be. You can't choose someone who really loves you and values your mind if you don't know how you need to be loved and understood. Whether you need a to step away from the dating scene, have a conversation with your romantic partner or even take a break from them, understanding yourself will strengthen all of your relationships in the long run.

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