This is satire. Separate the truth from fiction; blur the line if you want.

I'm something of a country boy. Not that I like country music or wear cowboy boots, but my eyes are much more accustomed to rolling, grassy plains than a jigsaw puzzle of high-rise apartments. I had never been in New York City until Wednesday evening. I also had never burnt my lip on a piece of pizza before, but once again, here we are.

I came to compete for a scholarship, a Hail Mary pass on my higher education to attend the school of my glamorous—and above all, realistic—dreams. Again, here we are.

So I packed a bag, missed three days of class, and flew in a plane to LaGuardia. After a short taxi ride to Manhattan from Queens, I spent the night in a student apartment. The couch squeaked a little when I moved, but it wasn't much of a price to pay for being able to see the Statue of Liberty from the window. And to clarify, the pizza incident occurred because I, suave expert as I was, attempted to frontload a very first lava-hot New York slice. It's still on my lip, a mark easily mistaken for a cold sore gone south. It's certainly a trying ordeal, but I shall survive.

So far the city has been different from what I expected. I wasn't in love at first sight, I must admit, but as Shrek describes himself so eloquently, so too is New York like an onion. In fact, I'd venture far enough to say we should rework the city's nickname. Big Apple? More like Big Onion.

Thus far I've had plenty of adventures in the Big Onion. I've ridden the subways (they're exquisitely clean), enjoyed the night life in Manhattan (the financial district is awake all night!), and attended a Broadway musical (not really worth your time). If you're at all curious about anything in the city, I'm glad to offer you my expert opinion. As a Kansas native, it makes plenty of sense that I've instantly absorbed every nitty-gritty detail about this wildly diverse city.

In all fairness and truth, though, my days here have been wonderful, shocking, and forever memorable. Travel well. See the sights. Don't forget to keep moving, though, nobody wants to walk around tourists.