I love William Shakespeare. I think it's pretty much a requirement for English majors to love Shakespeare. Today's academic conception of Shakespeare, though, is very different from the Shakespeare who actually lived and wrote in historical England. In his day Shakespeare wasn't the upper-crusty literary figure we've made him into; he wrote plays full of crude jokes for the uneducated masses to enjoy for a couple of pennies a piece, and the players ran the risk of being pelted with rotten fruit if they didn't entertain the audience. Along with all of the common wisdom sayings that have made their way into our speech from Shakespeare's writing, he came up with a wide and varied collection of creative insults. Without further ado, I present some of the more barbed side of the great playwright's wit.

"Thine forward voice, now, is to speak well of thine friend; thine backward voice is to utter foul speech and detract." -The Tempest

Pull this one out the next time someone is gossiping about you.

"A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality." -All's Well that Ends Well

The next time you're asked why you don't like someone, you know what to say.

“You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe!”-Henry IV

Imagine the look on someone's face when you say this to them...

“You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish–O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!”-Henry IV

If you want to insult and confuse someone, pull this one out.

“There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.”-Henry V

This is especially scathing if you go to a religious college...that would actually be pretty mean, but a good way to call out a hypocrite?

“Thou are pigeon-liver’d and lack gall.” -Hamlet

What if someone said this to you on the playground?

“Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.”-All's Well that Ends Well

I have no idea what that means, but if someone said to me I'd be insulted.

"I do desire we may be better strangers" -As You Like It

The OG breakup speech.

"Away, you three-inch fool." -The Taming of the Shrew

This could be interpreted a couple of different ways.

"You, minion, are too saucy." -The Taming of the Shrew

This almost sounds like a scathingly friendly teasing you could give a friend.

"A weasel hath not such a deal of spleen as you are toss'd with." -Henry IV

Clearly, Henry IV is a good one for "insult and confuse" statements.

Will wins the insult game.