Just a prelude to this piece, I wrote it initially last year and have been working on it ever since. It describes my journey from the end of senior year of high school through my first year of college. Although I think it is unfinished as my journey to find myself is not nearly close to being done, I think it is important to share now and as I continue my journey I will add new "chapters."
(1)
I woke up one morning alone. Off to a familiar place just to sit in a room with strangers as a professor discussed covalent and ionic bonds. Staring blankly out the window hoping this would all be a dream. Going through each day alone, waking up, eating, working and going to sleep, all alone. Everything is remnant of loneliness. Especially the remains of friends and the relationships we had.
Earlier that year in the spring everyone was getting excited about the acceptances and planning for the future ahead of them. I waited anxiously by the mailbox every day after school only to receive rejection after rejection. Only receiving small envelopes filled with fake condolences while others got packages with filled with excitement and new information. Only one rejection mattered to me. The one place I was so excited to explore rejected me. But why? Was I not good enough? Did I do something wrong? I, along with everyone else, was only seen as a number. As they all planned the next year of their lives I was alone in the background feeling completely isolated. In the Fall they would all be off to new places and I would be alone.
When Fall finally arrived, surrounded by so many strange people and within each day feeling more and more alone I began to miss them. Each of those who left promised to call, they promised to keep in touch, but none of them did. Since childhood I has had an irrational fear that everyone will leave and that life will be spent completely alone and this fear had become real when they all left. Remembering the year before and the good times that we had together and hoping that they cared enough to see how I was doing I was lost. I couldn’t imagine what life would be like without them until they were actually gone. The beginning was bad but it gradually became worse and worse. I slowly began to realize how little they cared about my well-being. They all knew I was left behind, they all knew that I was alone. Why didn’t they call? Why didn’t they send me a message? Where they so consumed with their own lives that they stopped caring? Were they genuinely too busy to take two minutes out of their day to call? Unanswered calls and texts forced me to give up all hope. When winter came I was accustomed to being alone and only spending time with my family and my friends were coming home for Christmas I decided to not hang out with them because they had abandoned me when they left. As the rest of the year went on I learned more about myself within six months than I had in my whole life. Being alone made me realize that I only needed family in my life. Before they left I would use different parts of each of their personalities to create the person I wanted to be. I never had my own identity, instead I identified with some part of each person in my life. When I found myself alone I did not have anyone to attach to so I had to attach to myself and really figure out who I am.
After months of being alone and thinking I was not good enough, I discovered my love for learning, writing and for my family. I realized that I didn’t need people to find myself all I actually needed was to be alone. Something that started out as terrifying and horrible turned into the best thing to happen to me. At some points I wanted to give up because it didn’t seem like it would be worth it. I learned that being alone was necessary for me to grow up and become my own person.
Finding yourself doesn’t have to be a hassle or something you consciously work towards instead it is a journey that you find yourself on after it is over or as a new journey begins. Finding your identity is a never ending process but being positive and enjoying the ride makes life better.
