This last week it has been rainy. And when I say rainy, I mean dark, shadowy, grey, cold, sadness. When this occurs, the clouds look sad, and the sun refuses to show its face. The world seems bleak and cold. I hate this weather with a passion that stirs deep in my soul. Not because it is cold or wet, or because of the fact I have to carry an umbrella or a raincoat. I don't even mind wearing the ridiculous polka-dot rain boots I own. No, I hate it because this weather for me is a signal of war. The enemy is approaching and I am on the front lines. And if I am not prepared, then I will be defeated. This week of rain constitutes a battle in my life. It is one that wears me down emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

Because I deal with depression.

I know many of you are probably tired of hearing and reading about this subject. But it is one that is relevant for many people, and I hope to explain it in my own way. This war is waged on me every time the weather changes from sunny to grey skies. When winter approaches, it is a season of personal struggle for me. I get exhausted very quickly. The sunless days, the rain, and the dark clouds take way more from me than nice weather. My sense of hope, happiness, love, joy, and often my sense of purpose and my reason for living, diminishes. My fiancé and closest friends notice this change in me. They sense it; they see the difference in me. This last week I came home in a horrid mood. I was aggravated and unhappy. Everything my roommates (who are wonderful and I love them dearly, by the way) did got on my nerves. I did not feel the motivation to study for the several exams I had to take. Frankly, I did not see the point in getting out of bed. This is what the rain robs me of.

I have been struggling with depression since the age of 12. I have been in counseling and have taken medication. I work out and I am very aware of the signs that I have when depression hits and another battle ensues. Unfortunately, it is very possible that I will be a part of this battle for the rest of my life. This was a very hard reality that I had to come to terms with. After all, if I am doing all of the right things, it should be “cured” or “fixed,” right? Wrong. As a goal-oriented person who focuses on achieving different goals, I just wanted to conquer this depression.

Through tons of work, I have realized that depression is something that will be constantly fighting me. It is a war, one that is about battles. See, I will not allow depression to defeat me. But there might be a day when I am uncontrollably sad; so on that day depression might have won the battle, but I know it will never win the war. I use this war imagery because it helps me to stay aware of the issue at hand. Waking up on a rainy day and feeling sad for no reason over and over again is one of the most exhausting and frustrating things I have ever faced. But, if I remember that this week is rainy and that is I why I am struggling, then I can rejoice in the fact that the sun will show itself again. Today it is sunny, and 58 degrees.

Today I will go outside and rejoice in the beauty of this earth. Today I am thankful because, just like the rain brings an unusual amount of sadness and struggle, the sun brings about a magical amount of joy and love for life. On a sunny day I still act like a kid. I frolic around and skip like I did as a young girl.

And I thank God because I know that if I did not experience such great sorrow with the rain, I would not be blessed with the intense love of life I experience with the shining of the sun.