There are times when you can roll with the punches and there are times when a punch is warranted, but more specifically a throat punch. Why a throat punch, you ask? A throat punch silences the speaker, a throat punch is so personal and meaningful on a level that a face punch could never be. If done properly, a throat punch tells the speaker, “Never say or do that to me again.” The art of throat punching has evolved over time and has been perfected since the early days of fist fighting. It is a warning to those who invade your personal space. The progression of the throat punch is ever-changing along with the reasons for throat punching. Man has evolved from throat punching someone for stealing their brontosaurus dinner to throat punching for cutting him or her off in traffic, but there are many situations where throat punching is called for:
- For instance, say you are walking happily down the street and someone bumps into you because they were texting on their phone. Your first instinct is to walk around that person, correct? Wrong, texting on your phone while on a busy street, with your head down and your lack of knowledge of others, is complete, throat punch material.
- When I lived in California, I frequented the Burbank Mall. It was a solace of sorts because it was often empty and a great place to get some exercise. However, despite its isolative qualities, it was difficult to find my own space because people just bumped into me at random. It was as if I had put on an invisible cloak. Those bumps hurt, man! One time I hollered, “Hello! I’m right here.” Crickets. So much throat punch.
- One of my favorite throat punch scenarios: When I am at the Target and the store is a bustle of people, all I want to do is get in and out as fast as I can, because Target is two hours of my life I will never get back. People often accost me with strollers, but it’s not just the stroller that drives me insane. It is those strollers that have no child in them. The child is running amuck in the store with the parent pushing the stroller into my ankles, carrying a teddy bear. Immediate throat punch.
- A throat punch story I heard just the other day: My best friend requires chemo and as she was sitting waiting to be hooked up to her dose of hell, a gentlemen was sitting next her complaining about how much his recent flu shot hurts his arm. Really, you douche? Let’s talk about pain, how about I throat punch you?
- Last but not least, the ultimate throat punch situation: Driving in your car and someone cuts you off, only to give YOU the finger, as if you had cut them off. Throat punch. Throat punch. Throat punch.
Don’t underestimate the power of the throat punch. In a world where people are admonished for being so-called “negative”, few realize that positivity can be painful and internalizing your emotions only leads to sickness and unhappiness. Throat punching offers a release and clarification of emotions. The mouthpiece understands your meaning and the throat puncher feels a release and a sense of peace after the act takes place. It is the future of self-preservation and well-being.