College gyms are an...interesting place. A place where you pack a bunch of overly sweaty, hormonal 18-20-year-olds where the guys are all trying to out-do one another and at the same time draw attention from every girl in the place. Through experience and a lot of observance, I've found that there's seven specific demographics of people that you'll find at almost every college gym.
1. The Grunter
We're going to start with the most obvious and common demographic, given the fact that this is the very first guy you'll notice entering the gym. You're trying to get a workout in with your buddy, not having too much conversation, but every sentence you begin ends with "AAAAP" overpowering your last words. We get it dude, you're huge. Everyone knows now. All the girls in here? They're attracted to you so much that they pay no attention at all. This guy is never the smallest, yet never the most muscular guy you'll find in the gym. He's always in that happy medium where he feels the need to scream in order to show everyone how hard he's working, ending every rep with, "Hoop."
2. The Bicepticon
The name pretty much indicates everything about this guy. He comes in, warms up and begins the curl party. Every variation of arm exercise he knows commences, and the day after is followed up with chest...and more biceps. Every other body part will be abhorrently ignored, his reasoning being, "I wear pants all the time, so nobody sees my legs." This guy hits the bars three to five times a week wearing a medium T-shirt or a Vineyard Vines polo, and will brag to you about how many girls he got with.
3. Advice Guy / The Parader
I combined the two on this one because the two qualities go exactly hand in hand. This guy is always giving someone some "sick pointers" on what exercises to get huge fast, and doesn't care if you want to hear them or not. And when he isn't dishing out his grade-A get big fast tips, he's doing slow, flexed walking laps around the gym. That's right, flex those arms and stare at yourself in the mirror. Nobody can tell. Everybody hates this guy, and you close your eyes and pray he won't come over to you and start up a conversation so he can talk about himself to you.
4. Water Jug Guy
This is a new trend that has just recently become more prevalent in gyms today, but it's one that irks me the most. For some reason, one day somebody to decided that a normal water bottle isn't enough for a single workout. "You know what? Why not carry an entire gallon? That'd be super fit." It's like telling everyone you're always going to the gym, but without actually saying it. It's the perfect idea, if you didn't look like such a jerk with it. Everyone knows you don't need that much water, you just like carrying it around to show everyone how serious you are. And maybe, just maybe, your thought process is, "Bigger container of water will make people think that I need that much water because I'm so huge?"
5. The Wanderer
Commonly associated with staring, trying out every machine curiously and looking like he / she is genuinely more confused than you are with why they're there. You feel bad and want to give advice, but never do based on the creepiness of the glare they constantly have as soon as you look in their direction. Their presence makes you uncomfortable, feeling like their eyes are burning a hole in the side of your head.
6. The Cardio Bunny
This is the typical girl in your college gym. I'll break down 90 percent of their typical workouts: run on the treadmill, ab exercises on a mat and last but not least, the infamous hip abductor machine. What looks like a medieval torture machine is many girls' go to weight training machine, perfect for "toning" as many women share the philosophy that free weights will make them bulky or manly. Nobody is exactly sure what it works or if it works, but that's not going to stop them from doing it.
(Honestly, the Dwight GIF is perfect for this too. Why not see it again?)
7. The Squatter
Do. Not. Approach. This lifter has a pair of thighs that look like they could strangle a crocodile and plot twist: it's a girl. Every guy is fascinated by her, but none have the stones to approach. She looks like she squats twice what half the curl bros are pushing, but still looks pleasantly feminine. She scares you, but at the same time intrigues you with such a powerful looking physique. If you approach them, then be careful. Their guard is on high alert from thirsty guys hitting on them, you have to come up like trying to touch a wild animal. Slow, quiet movements until they notice you. And don't be surprised if their handshake breaks a finger or two of yours.
