Honestly, I am lost

And I am weak.

I really do not know if I am living life correctly.

Am I even good enough?

I know the devil is trying to weaken me

So far he’s succeeding.

How do I win this battle?

God.

God is the answer.

He is the secret weapon.

The only problem is I am not sure what to do.

Yes, I pray.

I pray every night.

I thank God

I thank him everyday.

I know God is real, but I would be lying if I did not say I did not have my doubts from time to time.

I do not question his existence, but I question why he made me.

Like, why would God make me?

Why do I matter to him?

How can he forgive me?

I am a HUGE sinner.

I judge too much.

I talk about others behind their backs.

I struggle with watching porn.

I am prideful.

Instead of thinking of myself of higher than others, I see myself lower than others

and never allow anyone to help me.

I know God is real.

If he wasn’t I would have given up a long time ago

Not saying I haven’t thought about giving up.

My life may not make “The top 10 worst lives ever” list,

but it wasn’t the best either

It has made me who I am today

Honestly, I am not happy with myself.

Why do I care so much about others?

All it does is annoy others.

My care for others has just made me question myself.

Why did God make me care so much?

In the past it has made my male friends uncomfortable

And made me question my sexuality.

(I had to think long and hard about it and it’s all good. I am not gay).

I just want others to not feel pain,

but that just causes me pain.

Why don’t they allow me to help?

Why do I even try?

It has not ever really worked in my favor.

My dad isn’t in my life.

It’s hard not to think,

“Maybe, I am not good enough”

“Why doesn’t he want me?”

I’m sure he does want me,

it just doesn’t feel like it

or even seem like it.

What if I pushed him away?

Maybe, I shouldn’t have told my grandma (his mom),

“That’s not my dad”

or told my siblings and others

“He’s my father, but I don’t have a dad.”

I probably shouldn’t have talked bad about him on Facebook.

I shouldn’t have messaged him saying,

“I don’t need you”

I should’ve just loved him

I think I stopped loving him.

I think I stopped loving both my parents—

I think I stopped a long time ago. . .

How could God love me?

When I don’t love my own parents?

When I can’t forgive either one.

Is it wrong of me to at least be mad at them?

It’s just,

neither one has ever said,

“I am sorry, Des. I never meant for you to see or go through all of that.”

I need to forgive them,

but I don’t know how to forgive.

I want to forgive.

I want to forgive my friends.

They may not have done me wrong, but it seemed like anyone I coined as “my best friend”

left me then forgot about me.

That hurts me, and I need to let go.

I need to forgive myself.

I have too much pride.

I put the weight of the world on my back.

I slap God in the face with my sin.

How?

How do I do this??

I give up.

Surrender.

God, I surrender.

I’m tired of constantly trying to do this on my own.

I need you.

I am not good enough.

I don’t deserve your love.

I need you God—

I need you now more than ever.

I am sorry.

Sorry for not forgiving the way you forgive me.

Sorry for feeling this way

About

Myself

And others.

This is me coming clean.

This is me coming to you with all that is wrong with me.

This is my white flag.

I am Desmond Otto Vera,

and I surrender to you God.