Bet you hear these comments on the regular:
"Oh, I knew you weren’t full Asian!"
"You were probably the cutest baby!"
And how did your parents meet, anyway?"
“So, do you relate to your non-Asian, or your Asian side more?”
The dreaded question that seems completely harmless, but all my life made me ask myself, “Which side do I relate to more?” Because for some reason, like many others of mixed races, I was under the impression that I had to choose only one. I didn’t realize that the beauty of being half-Asian was that I didn’t have to side with one race over the other. I was the product of interracial love. I was the outcome of two races coming together in a world where that still seems to be a struggle.
But just like everyone else, before I reached that conclusion, I was faced with a massive identity crisis. In family gatherings and pictures, no matter which side it was, I always felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb.
Depending on the situation, I felt the need to lean towards one culture to feel comfortable and to be able to relate. And there were numerous times where I would throw away one side of my background, almost to the point where I was ashamed of being Asian or white, because all my friends were able to fully relate to one race without getting weird looks or the usual, “well, you just don’t get it because you’re only half!”
A classic “cup half empty” scenario. I saw myself as “only half” of whatever race I felt the need to lean towards that day. I saw myself as 50 percent less of what I should be, when I should’ve seen myself as blessed to be able to fully relate to two completely different backgrounds.
Being multiracial, it should have allowed me to be extremely open-minded about the idea of race, cultures, backgrounds -- and I thought I was, but how could I be fully open-minded towards others when I didn’t even have the ability to feel pride for both of my cultures at the same time? It wasn’t fair for me to sit there and talk about equality and tolerance when I couldn’t even be fully content with my own background.
So to all you hapa boys and girls out there, next time someone asks you, “So, do you relate to this side or that side more?” don’t pick one and throw away the other!
You are one whole person created by two beautiful cultures. You don’t have to sort your whole upbringing and ideals out onto a table and weigh them to see which one you want to represent this week.
