Holidays are upon us once again, and every year I feel like I finally get the right booze to food ratio to keep me at a steady level of carb-dazed and buzzed throughout the festivities.

However, I always overestimate some variable, either by drinking heavier beers first thing with a light lunch spread; or maybe the meat and cheese plate got the best of me while everyone stood in the kitchen to help with the meal and catch up with family.

Our family favors the holidays because we have the chance to get together for the typical shenanigans (and not focus on presents). We know how to make more room in the liquor cabinet for cases of beer and annihilate the inventory of wine. We also happen to love food, which is obvious.

With talented cooks and mixologists in the family, it is easy to fill up long before the dessert is served.

As a Christmas/holiday treat (or miracle, if you prefer), I decided to put together a culinary itinerary to help you through the day of giving, feasting and drinking.

1. Christmas Eve

A major part of the holiday is getting together with your family while you are all together for the holidays. The main event is a night of seasonal beverages (eggnog for some, Winter Lagers for others) and classic Christmas movies.

This holiday tradition will be a gamble for the outcome of the next day’s festivities. If you drank too much the night before, then those breakfast mimosas and brunch Brandy Alexanders are not going to settle well, and you may not be able to enjoy the endless food and drinks.

If you have a family like mine, remember to pace yourself, and force down a few glasses of water. Your future self will thank you dearly.

2. Christmas Morning

Hopefully, you wake up feeling only slightly disoriented. Being tired is manageable on Christmas day because it is an unspoken rule that everyone will need to recharge with a nap at some point in the day.

If you’re hungover and feel like your head might explode listening to the terrible holiday music on one television while hearing the cheers and whistles of those watching the afternoon basketball or hockey games in the next room, you may be in for a long day.

Even though it’ll feel like the absolute worst thing to do, drink some water, have a light breakfast, take medicine for your regretful headache and drink that mimosa like a champ.

“Hair of the dog” does have some beneficial effects if you can get past the first few sips.

Just make sure you open those presents with enthusiasm and a smile on your face.

3. Christmas: Early Afternoon

By this time, the list of family members invited has arrived, and the blender is shouting loudly enough to draw the attention of the guests into the kitchen for Brandy Alexanders, where there also is a heavenly platter of various meats and cheeses, crackers and other small snacks to hold everyone over until the main course.

Some have already cracked open a few beers and might have started a (loud) conversation within the "forbidden" realm: politics.

If you want to make it to the dinner table for the second meal you have waited an entire year for (Thanksgiving being the first), I advise you practice your self-control and slowly sip your beverages.

Definitely, make sure not to drink on an empty stomach, but just load up a small plate of appetizers and eat them away from the platters and spreads.

Sitting close to the snacks and drinking too quickly will undoubtedly get in the way of truly enjoying the main course.

Remind yourself that there are more flavors to taste, only so much room left in your stomach and gift exchanging to participate in (whether voluntarily or not).

I advise that you limit yourself to one or two early afternoon cocktails, then switch to beer. You’ll drink the beer slower because it is heavier than most of the other booze you are consuming, and you will feel full enough to control yourself around the snacks.

And, please, drink some water throughout the day. You do not want hangover part two to hit just as you sit down for dinner (trust me).

4. Christmas: Late Afternoon

For some reason, this is another one of the days that everyone acts like 3:00 p.m. is a normal time to sit and eat dinner together.

If you’re like my family, we know that good things take time and we don’t rush right into dinner. We probably start eating around 5:30 p.m. because the house is full of family shenanigans and laughter. We don’t really rush the process of dinner because that meal will be so worth the wait.

Regardless of what time your family sits down to the anticipated meal, your drinking probably just graduated to wine.

Drink your water first, and sip the glass of wine throughout the meal. Take small portions of food so that you get to taste all of the dishes without feeling like your stomach will explode; at that point, the food won’t even taste as good.

If you’re like most of my family members (especially grandma), one glass of wine is comical. But, if you sip it through your first plate of food you will still be comfortably able to breathe.

If you want to dive in again for seconds on the mashed potatoes and stuffing, feel free to go in for another glass of wine (if you don’t go in for seconds, I probably don’t trust you).

By this point, your self-control has vanished, along with your promises of fitting into your pants by the end of the night.

Pro Tip: bring stretchy yoga pants or sweatpants with you for optimal comfort after dinner.

5. Christmas: Evening

This is when the desserts are being served, and coffee is brewing. In the kitchen you hear the whirring blender sounds, again, promising a few holiday favorites: peppermint flavored cocktails (with an entire peppermint patty garnish) and Pumpkin Martinis (from scratch)

Somehow, you are reaching for various slices of pies and snagging a cookie here and there. You never expected you could fit anything more into your stomach, but a year of training for this feasting season has finally come in handy.

You have probably lost count of glasses of wine you have consumed, but you’re probably in good company because so has everyone else.

Flushed cheeks and loud laughter are plenty and then someone pulls out a bottle of Jameson for Irish Coffees and the Espresso Patron (for “sipping”).

6. Post-Christmas Meal

At some point, our family decided that Uno (the card game) and Marbles (basically Trouble, but with cards and a wooden board) was a tradition after dinner and dessert had been cleared away and clean up had just about finished.

You will probably look up at this moment to realize you have many empty glasses at your spot and wonder who put them there. After recounting your beverage consumption, you also realize they are all of your various drink glasses.

The water glass is the fullest and you remember that you kept reaching for the wine glass, instead of your water. Oops.

This is the part where you come to a crossroads; should you have another glass of wine or indulge in a second (or third) dreamy Pumpkin Martini, or maybe you should actually touch the full water glass and begin your journey to sober town.

The answer always seems to be both, as in both a glass of wine and one morePumpkin Martini.

Games are in full swing with friends who showed up after dinner and family still upright enough to get over competitive.

The group gets a bit rowdier because someone has been ruining another player’s opportunity to throw down their winning card. At this same time, a drinking game has formed from this seemingly harmless family fun.

You reach for your beer (and wonder when you switched to beer) and decide where your loyalties lie as others start grouping together to ensure the person closest to victory is dethroned.

My family gets really into competition, and you should probably try this level of intensity with the activities-turned-drinking-game.

Technically The Day After Christmas

If you had plans to be productive, just be prepared to wake up later than expected. You definitely stayed up until the early hours of the next day, having a drunken heart-to-heart with your cousins.

Make your coffee (minus the Jameson) and help clean up the debris of wine bottles, beer bottles and caps.

Throw together a leftover sandwich (even if it is still morning), and seriously drink some water. I bet the healing power of leftovers, caffeine and hydration will work quickly on your feeble physical state.

Say your goodbyes, and mark another memorable holiday season down as a success.

Now, it is time to prepare for New Year's Eve.