“But I guess it’s always been that way. Wanting to be loved, to find somebody that makes your heart ache in a good way.”
~ Brooke Davis, One Tree Hill
Getting your heart broken may feel like the worst thing in the world. But you know what’s even worse? Being convinced that you’re worthless.
I’ve never had a boyfriend, didn’t have my first kiss until college, let alone have a guy become interested in me. Until you. I remember the exact day we met. I even remember what you wore. I hoped that we would eventually get to know each other and become friends.
My friends warned me about you and your past, that you weren’t good enough for me and that I deserve better. I didn’t believe them because they didn’t know you like I did. But I should have.
It all started with a simple “hey” text message, three years of a soon-to-be toxic relationship.
Getting to know you was one of the best things in the world. You knew how to make me laugh and smile. You knew the right things to say at the right moment; but most of all, you knew how to make me cry. I would lay in my bed so many nights crying over you, someone who wasn’t worth it and won’t ever be. I would think about why I was crying over you, if there was something else I should have said or done to make the outcome different. I was finding excuses and blaming myself for something I didn’t even do just hoping that I would be okay and that you’d change. I blamed myself because I didn’t want to lose you.
They say that when you fall for someone you fall hard. Well, that’s what I did. I fell hard and fast for you that my heart hurt just thinking about you. More than that, I fell in love with you. I didn’t know the difference between being infatuated with someone and being in love because I was never in a relationship long enough to experience those things. I envisioned what a life together would be like, the adventures we would go on and how happy we would be.
The worst part? You didn’t even know it. You didn’t care about how my day was or how I felt. You treated me as if I was a side dish while you were waiting for your main meal. You only cared about me when I was available to be your next booty call.
When we first started talking I didn’t expect much other than a friendship. But the more we talked and hung out, a crush started to develop and eventually feelings. I heard rumors about you, that you weren’t the relationship kind of guy and that I should stop myself before things got too far. I decided to tell you how I felt in the very beginning because I didn’t want to get hurt and I needed to know where you stood. I knew that nothing would happen between us, but I hoped and prayed that something would because I knew that we could be great together. I decided that we should take a break from talking for a while because I needed time to comprehend and come to terms with everything. In the end I decided that we would just be better off as friends because that’s all I could handle.
After a toxic relationship of three years, here’s what I have to say: thank you.
Thank you for showing me what I deserve. Thank you for showing me that I deserve to be happy and treated with respect. Thank you for showing me that someone out there will love me for me. Thank you for showing me that I will find someone who will be worth my time, someone who I won’t cry over the way I didn’t for you, someone who will tell me I’m beautiful and how much I mean to them. Most of all, thank you for showing me the wrong kind of love.
“But I guess it’s always been that way. Wanting to be loved, to find somebody that makes your heart ache in a good way.” One day I will, and I know it’s not with you.
I hope one day you wake up and realize the mistakes you’ve made and the people you’ve lost. I hope that one day you do find the girl of your dreams, and when you do I hope you cherish her forever because she will be the best thing you’ve ever had.
As much as I will always wish that that girl would be me, I want you to be happy with whoever is out there. I will miss you forever and you’ll forever be a part of my heart. I have to let you go for myself so I can finally be happy again and find someone who I deserve. Losing you from my life is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but I needed to in order to set myself free.
