Dear First Guy That Broke My Heart,
I want to thank you. Not for the good memories, not for the laughs or the late night conversations, not for the compliments, or anything good. I want to thank you for taking it away, for convincing me it all meant nothing to you. I want to thank you for convincing me that you really, really liked me. I want to thank you for convincing me to fall for you, only to not be there to catch me on the way down. Thank you for being heartless and abrasive about the whole situation. Thank you for being standoffish.
The heartache that you caused me was akin to physical pain. It actually felt like my heart was breaking. Like a huge fissure had split it down the middle and had cracks forming off of that. The wounds from insecurity that I thought had long since healed opened up again. I want to thank you for shattering my heart to pieces, because I had to figure out how to put it back together, and I learned important things during that time.
You didn’t teach me how to love, you taught me how to let go.
Hope is a powerful thing. Hope is what helps people hold on, hope is what encourages people to give “just one last chance,” and many more chances after that. Hope is beautiful, and with you, I didn’t have any.
I got to a point where enough was enough, and I gave up. I knew there wasn’t a chance to reconcile our relationship. Nothing was salvageable.
After you, I didn’t have patience to wait for people to figure out if they wanted me. I didn’t have patience to wait for them to get their act together. By making me feel so worthless, so unwanted, you forced me to value myself. Instead of letting someone else decide what my affection was worth to them, I decided that, and if they didn’t prove that they deserved my affection, I was able to walk away. It hurt, knowing they didn’t want me enough to try to make it work. It hurt knowing they didn't care enough to even say goodbye, but I learned a little more with each knew heartbreak - and there were plenty - and I took comfort in the fact that you were the worst. No one could ever hurt me the way you did.
Love is a powerful thing, but I think the deprivation of love can be just as powerful. You didn’t teach me how to love, you taught me, in your own twisted, jerk way, that I’m worthy of love.
So, thank you.
Sincerely,
Natalie
