Love. The chemical formula for love is C8H11NO2+C10H12N2O+C43H66N12O12S2 dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin. Created inside of me whenever I fell for you, and never leaving me; yet, scientifically, you withdrew from this when it came to me.
I expected the words, “I am not in love with you,” to completely break me when you told me, shatter me into a million pieces and send me off to the looney bin, but that isn’t what happened. When you texted me those seven words, it hurt for about a day, but the next morning, I woke up and felt free.
It was almost as if you had finally answered the question I had always feared to ask because I felt that, without your love for me, I was nothing.
Thank you for telling me you are not in love with me. I am now free. I felt obligated to you because in my love for you resided loyalty. I was defined by my past love for you until I realized that’s all it was: a thing of the past. I feel no shame in loving you because having a love as great as we did was the closest thing I’ve felt to magic, and I am incredibly blessed to have experienced that. It was something so amazing that losing it was worth my tears and heartache, something most people will never experience.
What I realized lately, after having been working on my independence in my first year of college is: This is the time to pursue my future, my passions, my dreams. This isn’t the time to search for a “Mrs. Degree.*"
My 20s are meant for soul searching, mistake making and adventure taking. In myself lies a personal power in not needing anyone to define me. I know God has a plan for me, and that plan is more wonderful than I could ever imagine, so why try and control it? Leave it in His hands, trust His plan and pursue your life passions while you can, and the right person will come along, especially when you’re not looking.
I no longer yearn to re-live our memories. Now, I solely view them as what memories really are: a thing of the past. I don’t constantly feel an emptiness in me that needed to be filled by you, or anyone for that matter, to love me. It is now enough for me to just love myself. I am no longer defined by my past love for you, I am no longer your “ex;" I am simply me. Extraordinarily, passionately wandering through my own journey in life, and happily doing it on my own (for now).
*Mrs. Degree: A degree that a young woman pursues in college in hopes of finding the perfect suitor to spend her life with.
