When I was 14 years old, I came face to face with a fear of all things. I was scared of my own shadow. I would pace back and forth behind the rows of chairs in the classroom, holding my breath. You would smile and play piano and my instincts to pay attention and sing kicked in like you knew they would and I would calm down.
When I was 15, I started losing weight because I was afraid to eat. I would feel sick every moment of my life and you would come in with food from Home Economics and I would become instantly drawn to it. And again, you would sit down and ask me to show you the newest song I had learned. The distraction from my flipping stomach allowed me to keep even the smallest bits of food down... And I was calm.
When I was 16, I dated my first girlfriend. You knew from square one that I was not going in the right direction, but you supported me through it. When she left me, you held me in your arms while I cried and told me I deserved better. But in my mind, I deserved worse. I didn't want to be with anyone else, I didn't want to be fixed... I wanted to be done. But you knew I was capable of more. You sat down and you played guitar. As I watched you play the chords, I smiled... And I was calm.
When I was 17, you stood by as I began to date her again. You watched me go through so much crap and all the things that happened to me when I got back with her. You watched me get into trouble I didn't deserve, and you tried to help me through it. You didn't know that you just being there was enough to calm me down. You talked to me about anything you could, and sitting next to you with my feet tucked under your legs, a smile crept across my face, and I knew then that I was fine. Your voice was soft like butter and I wasn't even thinking about all the troubles I had. You sang to me... And I was calm.
When I was 18, you held my hand through the biggest relapse I have ever had. You picked me up and took me for a drive and you watched me pull at my sleeves. You turned up the music and started singing off key. I couldn't help but giggle and you knew it too. You played the music through a crappy connector and you laughed at the static. Your laugh made my heart flutter. I didn't even need to think about it... I was instantly calm.
When I was 19, you kissed me. You knew when I wasn't okay, and you would assure me that you loved me, and you would sing in my ear at night to help me sleep. I didn't have nightmares when you would wrap your arms around me. You would get in my front seat and play crazy music, and you would dance in the front seat. You never put your problems on the table in front of me, you put them aside for me. I loved you... And I was calm.
Today, I watched you walk out the door for the last time. I watched you pack your bags and smile as you walked out the door to start your adventure. You held me in your arms for what seemed like only a second. You had to go, and I couldn't stand to watch you leave. You kissed my cheek and reminded me you loved me. With a smile, masking tears, you closed the door. I turned to our friend and I collapsed in her arms... You had left me with the best parting gift, but you took part of my heart.
Looking back, I didn't pay attention to the memories we made. Now, as I sit here, talking to you on FaceTime, I regret not making more... I hope that someday, I will be able to see you every day again, but if I don't, I am so happy that for five years, I got to spend every day with you. I love you. Thank you for the memories.
