Hey. It's been a while.
I know that it's been months. I know that people probably think I should be okay by now. That I should be fine and moved on and that I shouldn’t still be thinking about this. But the fact of the matter is that I can't control how I feel.
Let's be clear right now: I'm not saying I'm not over you - I could never, ever date you again. In the months since the break up, I've seen how many things were wrong and why we could never really work in the long run. I've come to terms with what went wrong and what could never have been fixed, no matter how hard we tried. We're very different people.
That doesn't mean that your effects were not and are not felt in my life and in the lives of those I hold close. When you left, you took part of me with you. Most of me, actually. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus. I couldn't function. I was surviving, I wasn't actually living. My grades took a turn, but not as bad as the turn in my mental health. I cried randomly for no reason. I spaced out during conversations. No one knew how to interact with me for a long time.
But I've really gotta thank you for leaving. Because if you hadn't left, I never would've been able to find this strength within me. After you, I started going to therapy. I started trusting my friends with what was really happening in my head. I started living for myself. I started making healthier decisions. I moved to D.C. for nine weeks. I kicked butt at my internship. I made amazing, lifelong friends. I made huge decisions about my post-grad life. I'm making plans to move. Life is going on.
I realized that over the course of our relationship (and ones I'd had before it) I would begin living my life for the person I was with; I did and said what would make them happy because I didn't want to lose them. I didn't know if I would be able to find someone if they left me, so I was scared to do or say something that would make them leave, despite them being a fundamentally different person than I.
After you, I allowed myself to branch out. I asked myself what I really wanted out of life, not what would be convenient for us as a unit. I let myself dream and wonder, what if? What if I move to Pittsburgh? What if I move to D.C.? Or Texas? What if I take this job or don’t take that one or go to grad school or don’t? I finally let myself live for me and for my dreams. I took control of my mental healthy. I took control of my life.
So thank you for finally being the one to force me to see that it's okay to be alone. It's okay to live my life how I see fit. Someday I'll meet the guy that fits into that life, but it doesn't need to be today. Thank you for showing me I need to be happy with myself before I can be happy with anyone else.
Ladies, don't make your entire life revolve around a guy you meet in college. (Same for guys - don’t let some girl make you think she is the end all and be all of your happiness.) You have your whole life ahead of you - don't compromise it right at the very beginning. Yes, let yourself be upset, eat chocolate and cry and curse his name, but then pick yourself up, walk out that door, and take on the world. Because you are so much better than that.
I guess to sum it all up, thanks for breaking my heart. Because it finally made me kickstart my life.