I want to thank you for the temporary happiness.
Thank you for the memories that I hate to remember at 3:00 a.m because they only add to the fact that I can't sleep and contemplate taking Nyquil and sleeping pills — but, at the same time, those are the same memories that I love to think of when I'm surrounded by darkness and loneliness. Thank you for the memories that make me feel one way or another whenever it comes to someone asking why I don't talk to you anymore or when they ask what happened to you.
These memories seem to fill me up with warmth whenever I'm cold and distant. I no longer feel numb when I recall these memories that I can pretend to live in over and over again. I like to recall these memories — even though I always criticize myself for staying in the past. I still do it anyway, because it lets me feel what happiness is for a little bit.
These memories are what held me down when I was so close to going insane and shutting down.
I'm thankful for the feelings that the memories bring me: happiness, joy, excitement. I'm thankful just to feel something other than numbness. Anything is better than being numb all the time.
Or being lonely.
Or being empty.
I want to thank you. You, you poor, scared soul — thank you for making me happy when I hadn't felt happiness in the longest of times. When I was with you, I was happy and I had motivation. Because of you, I got a sense of what sober was. In the span of a few days, I was sober — and let me tell you, sober had never felt so good. Because of you, I no longer had smoke linger on me for a while. Because of you, I looked forward to seeing tomorrow. You don't know how much I miss you. I wish you'd just come back; but that isn't going to happen, is it?
I want to thank you. You, you naive, bubbly soul — thank you for going on adventures with me when I wanted the adrenaline to rush rapidly and profusely through my veins. Because of you, I got a feel of what excitement was. You were there for the tears, the pain and the bloodshed. You stood up for me when I couldn't. You still stood up for me when I was weak to the point where I was hiding like a coward. You were my comfort. But, where are you now?
I want to thank you. You, you precious, deceitful soul — thank you for giving me the constant feel of what it feels to have that burning at the back of my throat. Of what to feels to get a rush of pure ecstasy coursing through my body. Because of you, I was always to a natural high with you. You always promised me the whole world and so many other things. You taught me what false hope was. You are the reason why I now use other resources to get away from the pain. You have no idea how much pain you caused me.
Even though these memories bring me happiness, they also make me hate the memories. They reminded me of you. You were the one who helped me create these short, wonderful memories. You were the one who brought happiness for me. You made me happy. But, now, you're gone. I have to rely on these memories, on these past reminders, to let me re-live what made me happy and smile to the point where my cheeks hurt. Whenever I want to re-live a moment, I have to think of you.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate you. But, frankly, I don't really want to remember you. You left me in the dark. You hurt me. You broke our promises. Whoever 'you' are, you aren't here with me anymore. You left me with happiness that I can't recall with you anymore. You probably don't get it. I saw something with you. A future, a friendship, something. My feelings for you are quite difficult, and even though I don't want to remember you, I still hope that you'd come back.
These are the same memories that ended abruptly. But, I don't care, for they have brought me back to sanity when I was going insane. They make me whole again whenever I'm empty and broken.
You see, I am broken. I might not be broken forever, but I am broken right now. I am the epitome of brokenness. But, you, you beautiful soul that I cannot ever forget, you gave me a small moment where I felt whole. And, I thank you for that.
Thank you.
