Last week I told you that I was ready for school to start.
It was a half-truth. I'm excited for school to start. I'm ready to be back amongst intelligent, compassionate, ambitious women. But that doesn't mean that I'm not also scared out of my pants.
You see, going back to school this fall signals a big shift in my life, more so than any semester before it. At the end of last semester, I made up my mind about my major -- at least I think I did... Only time will tell that I won't change it again. So at the commencement of this semester, I'll be taking classes that more or less lock me into my major. Thus far I have changed my major three times, so any solid focus on a major is scary for me. It means that I'm committed to a lifelong goal, and if I want to change again, not only will it be more difficult, I will be breaking my commitment to myself. I've clearly done it a couple times already, but changing my mind so often has caused no little degree of stress in my life.
I'm scared to go back to school because I'll be taking courses that are academically challenging. So much of my high school career, and a good chunk of my college career thus far have been classes that came easily. I'm fairly intelligent, and so what doesn't come naturally to me is pretty discouraging. I'm not saying you should pity me -- I should have the fortitude to stick it out even when it gets hard. But I'm going to have to work harder than I ever have before, and that is a little scary.
I'm nervous because summer has spoiled me. It amazing how it only takes a few months of doing something totally different to feel like you're starting completely from scratch. This summer I have been working my tail off at my job, but when school starts I will be pulling a 180. I will work as little as a day and a half each week, and jump into a school schedule with 10 hours away from home for three days a week. I'm so worried about being spread thin. It's funny, because if you know me very well, you know that I'm already spread thin. It's what I need to do to reach my goals, but that doesn't mean that I'm not afraid I won't be able to pull it off.
I'm a lucky woman to go to my dream school, to be able to afford a great education, to spend my time with great minds and great hearts, and to pursue my passion free from real hardship. But I'm still apprehensive, and anxious, and that's OK. It only means that I am a human being, and that I feel things with my whole being. I won't be the only one with worries and stress. I am not alone, even when I'm by myself, and I can't wallow because there is no point in being negative. College students around the world, we can do this!
